Our visit with Jonah on Saturday was fine, for the most part.
Jonah, trying to blow up both red balloon and orange balloon
getting ready for bath
I took a little video too and caught a brief moment of a ninja-like, out-of-nowhere attempted aggression at Andy. It happened in the car. Jonah was sitting behind me and Andy was driving. In this video you can get a tiny taste of how lightning fast Jonah can move.
This time, thank God, he quickly settled back into Dr. Jonah from Mr. Hyde – my mom distracted him. And Andy is responsible for the music in the background. My mom was afraid Jonah would choke on a balloon. Jonah demanded cranberry soda. I just filmed.
Sometimes things start to feel surreal.
The thing that might be strangest of all is the forgetting. The forgetting what it was like to parent a child. I’m beginning to only fuzzily remember what it was like to get him dressed and ready, to put him on the bus, to tuck him in at night. To change him and play with him. Then, further back: watching him play so joyfully in the ocean. And still further back: nursing him, our eyes meeting, loving mama and her baby boy.
There is a lot of freedom now. There is deliverance. It feels really good. But I am also in a purgatory of sorts. I am Jonah’s mother and will always be his mother. But I am not his caregiver and I can’t protect him, and I think I will always hate that part. People usually have other children at home. Jonah’s my only boo. Well, I certainly was never going to be the great earth mother, knitting blankets and baking pies – spouting wisdom, president of the PT fucking A.
You gotta roll with the punches. And we really are all in the same leaky boat.
The Never Normal 
STOP! you must not beat yourself up..you are a great mom doing what is best for her child! Just because you are not baking cookies, going to soccer or pta doesn’t mean you are not a wonderfully great mother. The sacrifice you made the day you let Jonah go where he needed to be, to get the best care possible showed a love and caring just as great as any mother! Love and Prayers for you!
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Dear Amy,
I have two sons who are developmentally normal. One has epilepsy, but it is under control.
I, too, saw myself as the earth mother, barefoot and pregnant, and there was a time I made my own playdough and we splashed in puddles of mud, and I envisioned having many more children with whom I would raise with peace and caring in their hearts always.
But life doesn’t always go the way you want. It certainly didn’t in our cases. I ended up broke and raising the boys alone. I have so many regrets that if I were to write a letter to then apologizing for my failures, it would be a book. And I WAS part of the PT fucking A!!
Luckily, my kids know I did the best I could with what I was dealt, and they are quick to forgive my short comings. Jonah, I can see, knows you as a good..no, great…Mom. He just can’t express that. Seeing him smile in the car while he blows up his balloons which may suffocate him 🙂 was a joy to watch.
You are good, Amy. Great, in my book. But I have you on a huge pedestal so maybe you really do suck. PSYCH!! Love you!!
Martie
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My son actually likes that song that was playing in the car. I listen to a local pop station when we drive and he rocks back and forth to the music. He seems to really like that particular song lately.
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You ARE the Great Earth Mother! I couldn’t be you for 5 minutes, but I HAVE been on the board at my son’s private high school. I spout obscenities far more often than wisdom, and being on the PT fucking A is VASTLY overrated. Imagine High School Yearbook Club or something similar; little clique-ish bitches (not surprisingly) ‘mature’ into big clique-ish bitches. Worse as adults, because their parents aren’t around to make them behave, and their lies can inflict far more damage than telling a mutual acquaintance you think they’re a ‘poopiehead’. You rock, just by being you.
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