Archive for October 16th, 2012

the forgetting

Our visit with Jonah on Saturday was fine, for the most part.

Jonah, trying to blow up both red balloon and orange balloon

getting ready for bath

I took a little video too and caught a brief moment of a ninja-like, out-of-nowhere attempted aggression at Andy.  It happened in the car.  Jonah was sitting behind me and Andy was driving. In this video you can get a tiny taste of how lightning fast Jonah can move.

This time, thank God, he quickly settled back into Dr. Jonah from Mr. Hyde – my mom distracted him.  And Andy is responsible for the music in the background.  My mom was afraid Jonah would choke on a balloon.  Jonah demanded cranberry soda.  I just filmed.

Sometimes things start to feel surreal.

The thing that might be strangest of all is the forgetting.  The forgetting what it was like to parent a child.  I’m beginning to only fuzzily remember what it was like to get him dressed and ready, to put him on the bus, to tuck him in at night.  To change him and play with him.  Then, further back:  watching him play so joyfully in the ocean.  And still further back:  nursing him, our eyes meeting, loving mama and her baby boy.

There is a lot of freedom now.  There is deliverance.  It feels really good.  But I am also in a purgatory of sorts.  I am Jonah’s mother and will always be his mother.  But I am not his caregiver and I can’t protect him, and I think I will always hate that part.  People usually have other children at home.  Jonah’s my only boo.  Well, I certainly was never going to be the great earth mother, knitting blankets and baking pies – spouting wisdom, president of the PT fucking A.

You gotta roll with the punches.  And we really are all in the same leaky boat.

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