Archive for October 9th, 2012

kiss eye

Thank you all for lifting me up with love and light and prayer.  I know I am biased but my boo really is so brave and amazing.  Jonah was great on Monday for his eye operation, even though we all had to be there at 6am, and I was very proud of him (after I stopped being nervous – when it was all over).

the way he sits and holds his body and arms/hands is very much like his mama

I gowned up to walk him in the OR and be with him while they gave him his mask for the anaesthesia.  The nurse was kind and treated me with kid gloves.  “You may see his eyes roll up in his head,” she gently warned.  I remembered that horrible first operation, how I sobbed and begged the people in the room to take care of my boy.

“This is his third eye operation,” I answered, “so I’m kind of used to it now – but thank you.”  How kind they were.  As soon as his eyes closed and he relaxed back onto the operating table, I kissed Boo and left the room.

While I was sitting with my mom in the waiting room, the reception desk phone rang and they called my name.  My mother and I looked at each other, trading fearful glances.  It hasn’t been long enough.  And then to make it worse, they tell me it’s Dr. S (the surgeon) on the phone.  But only to tell me the surgery is over, that Jonah did fine, that he is in recovery.

Soon afterward we were at his side as he groggily asked for ice cream.  They did let him have red popsicles, and he ate three.  His left eye was weirdly wide-opened and dilated, but not oozy or yucky and he kept blinking it shut hard.  It was as if it wasn’t quite painful or itchy (and of course I don’t know) but rather sensory-deprived.  He wanted pressure on the eye.  “Kiss eye,” he begged me over and over.  I told him to close his eye and I kissed the eyelid.  He smiled and giggled; grabbed my hand to pull me closer. “Kiss eye,” he said again.  I must have kissed his eye a dozen times.

My brave, wonderful boy.  They drove him up again today for a follow-up visit with the doc/surgeon, and this time my dad came with us.  Jonah was amazing again.  He read the eye chart and held the little black instrument to each eye (and yes, he tried to cheat again), he put his little chin into that scary eye machine, he tipped his head back for the eye drops, and he was calm through examinations with scary looking instruments.  To be honest, he is better at the eye doctor than I am.  I hate having drops put in my eye, and when they don’t explain to me what’s happening and what exactly they are going to do to me, I get physically sick.

Before both visits Jonah paced small circles and asked in the van? (meaning can we please get the hell out of here now?)  Today I used new Strawberry Fields tic-tacs and pomegranate seltzer (which he dubbed, of course, white soda) to treat him.

He immediately identified the tic tacs as candy and started asking for them as such.  I’d give him one or two between procedures, instructing him to chew.  He was so good and so happy.  I know this sounds weird but it really made my day.

The day started off shitty, too.  It is the 10th anniversary of my best friend Gina’s suicide.  Now she has been gone longer than I knew her.  This morning was awful, with me walking around weeping and poisoned by putting on grief, dressing myself in it as a burden in martyrdom…but M, Andy, & my friends/readers loved that nonsense out of me.  Thank you.  And Gina, watching over my boo, guardian angel style.  Thank you, Brother Peen.  I love you.

It turned out to be kind of an amazing day.

Jonah and “Pa” (my father)

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