Archive for October 13th, 2010

on the ocean

On the ocean
I think we’re taking on water…
the storm is on the way,
but I will hold on anyway.”
~ Guster

This is a ridiculously tough post to type, so please forgive any type-os.  I doubt I’ll be editing this one.

I’ve got enough of my mom in me to want to avoid “airing dirty laundry,” as she would put it.  But we’ve reached rock bottom here and I should at least explain why I haven’t been around to post.  Because I just put Jonah to bed and don’t have enough energy to tell the whole tale, I’ll present a Reader’s Digest version of our tumultuous time on the ocean…

This past weekend Jonah had a very rough time behaviorally.  A VERY ROUGH TIME.  On Saturday he threw a toy from the backseat and hit Andy in the head while he was driving.  Andy’s response was way over the top, without a doubt inappropriately so, and I had to take Jonah away from him.  After going back and forth with Andy over the phone – I wanted him to take a break and leave the house for a week or so; at first he refused – Andy decided to check himself in to a hospital.  This was Monday, I guess.  I am so frazzled.  I forget what happened which day.  I don’t know what order things happened in, or how we got here, or how this is became my life.

Jonah continues to be in “random attack mode” and since Monday I have gone into “taking care of business” mode.  I have taken many steps to mitigate the behavior and ensure our financial, emotional and safe survival, including applying for home behavioral support services, getting Jonah on a low dose of clonodine, arranging for a special harness seat on the bus, making a myriad of appointments and phone calls to schools, doctors, agencies, and coordinators to arrange for services so I can still go to work and care for Jonah as well…

…things I took for granted are now huge considerations.  How to go to the grocery store.  How to go to my therapy appointments.  How to sleep.  Eat.  Breathe.  Remain sane.

I’ll go into award-show mode now.  I’ve won nothing but nonetheless am on the podium and have just been called to give credit to those who so deserve it:  I couldn’t have gotten through this weekend without my cousins D and B, who dropped everything to stand by me & get me through this; they’ve helped with Jonah, incurred injury after injury from his attacks, and pulled me up from the waters that threatened to drown me.  My mom has offered her home, also suffered injury at the hands of my out-of-control son, and come to my aid to help even when I am stark raving bitchy.  My dear friend M has stuck by me through so much – rearranged his whole schedule to ensure my safety and ability to cope.  My dad has been very supportive.  My boss has been fantastic.  My friends are caring and there if I need them.  My cousin Brian is ready to jump to help me with whatever I need.  Even the people I supervise at work.  I am grateful.  I am grateful.  I am so incredibly grateful.

This is a trial by fire if there ever was one.  Andy and I had already decided to separate, but I hadn’t said anything just yet; now I may as well tell that too and get it all the major shit over with in one post.

Sorry if all the dirty laundry is stinking to high heaven.  I hope the meds and behavior supports and whatnot serve to bring my sweet boy back.  I hope Andy is getting the care he needs and is okay.  I hope I can keep it together.

If you’re the praying sort, I could use some of that.

We’re staying afloat…

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