Posts Tagged ‘thank you’

“Turn the clock to zero, boss
The river’s wide, we’ll swim across…
Started up a brand new day.

It could happen to you – just like it happened to me
There’s simply no immunity – there’s no guarantee.
I say love’s such a force – if you find yourself in it,
And sometimes no reflection’s there…”

lyrics from Brand New Day by Sting

Well I’ll be damned.  I cough up all kinds of ugly, shameful, depressing self pity and all I get is affirmation and support in return.  Comments here, e-mails, facebook messages — and from all over the world.   When I woke the next day after spewing forth that mess of a post, I expected judgement and anger and shock…and there was none. Instead there was understanding, kindness, gentle proddings and sound suggestions.  All I can say is thank you, from the depths of me, humbled and comforted.  Thank you.

It’s as if, now, I’ve been allowed to re-set it all and separate everything out into manageable portions.  I’ve secured Jonah’s medications through Medicaid.  I bought one of those big pillows with arms on it, so we could place it between Jonah and whomever braves the back seat with him and prevent injury until Andy and I can buy a harness like Andy has in his own car.  I drove over to my mom’s and we spoke reasonably about what we should do, and how, and when.  I spoke to Andy and we are calm with one another, cooperating, making moments of quiet and peace within every conversation.

Yesterday’s “Jonah’s report” included the irony of another child attacking Boo, who came away with but a few scratches.  I asked if Jonah had “snapped” and fought back, and the answer was no.  More proof that there is no rhyme or reason to our son.  I suppose it is my path, this crazy brick road, and I shall follow it through forests of angry talking trees and witch-sent flying monkeys until I reach the emerald land of Oz.

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

Someday I will awaken to find it all a dream, to find I could have left the whole time had I really wanted to, had I clicked the ruby shoes together.  Until then I will take things in little pieces, bite-sized problems to nibble, one at a time.

And meanwhile I have this wonderful job which came along at precisely the right moment – turn the clock to zero, boss – my work filled with writing, editing, proofreading, none of it feeling like work at all.  I do my work on the couch with a laptop, turn the TV to the classical music station, take short breaks to water my garden flowers or walk in the backyard with Manzo-kitty and Jack-dog.  Sometimes I take moments in silence to close my eyes, breathe in and out, day-dream, pray, meditate, allowing myself to be grateful…hopeful…to recover from each fall until I feel my wings’ re-growth and I can fly once again, gliding over everything.

And for the first time in my life, I work for a living doing something I truly love – something that, when I lay my head on the pillow at night, makes me smile in the knowledge:  Today I have helped others. Today I have taken strangers’ problems and turned them into opportunities.  I am doing good in the world.

I never thought I’d come to this much trouble or this much joy, let alone all mixed together, paint-colors running on a canvas into pools of artwork.  It feels good to be able to stand it all, the crazy pain and soaring pleasure in turns, strengthened by support from so many…heightened by a renewed determination brought by every brand new day.

I’ll share photos today of random beautiful things, people and places:


This woman played beautifully, heart-wrenchingly, in New York City’s Central Park.

instructions for my son?

instructions for my son?


Stained glass in the windows of Christ our Light Church in Loudonville, where I used to work once upon a time

Jonah visits some chickens

Jonah visits some chickens, smiling at them all


A nature art creation I made in the stones under the Blenheim covered bridge, which crumbled and fell a few years ago.

waterfall forest boy

waterfall forest boy


the underwater shimmer of koi


another forest nature picture, with a rose and white stones

my boo and me

my boo and me

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front & center

There is a lot to say but this is our annual convention weekend at work and I’ve been too busy.  I’ll come back soon enough to blather on, not to worry.

…but I gotta tell you.  Last night?  Guster at the Egg.  Sold-out acoustic show with an amazing violinist, spectacular cellist — and my favorite band closer than I’ve ever seen them before. 

I overdressed.  I loved every moment. 

Front row center. 


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Today Jonah had a ‘3-incident’ day but it’s still less than usual and it was at school, thank God and thank Wildwood and thank his teachers, who are equipped with safe rooms and hold techniques and lots of trained, caring folk to cope with my boy.  (I’d be such a poor special ed teacher, crying like a little girl pushed by a bully every time some kid bit me).

And I never thought I’d love a Monday so much.

Today Jonah was very good at after-school program — and hallelujah the 5-point car harness thing I’d ordered for him came in, so I picked it up at lunchtime.  It looked like kind of a complicated contraption; when I got back to the office, I handed it to co-worker/handyman/mechanically inclined S and asked him to put it together for me.  “Did you even try to do it yourself?”  he asked me.  “Well, no,” I responded sheepishly.  “Then go try first, like a big person!” he half-mocked.

So I did.  I installed that hundred-and-fifty-dollar contraption in the car my own self, and walked upstairs all proud, and S asked me “now don’t you feel empowered?”  and yeah, I had to admit, I did feel empowered.  As if some kind of Superwoman emerged from the ashes of a broken, busted-up, scared little girl.  (If you count installing a car harness to be a superpower).

And Jonah acquiesced nicely to being secured in the thing, so we proceeded to go see his beloved train.  He laughed and giggled the whole way — I kept catching my breath and holding it, forgetting to breathe, almost, thinking:  really?  he’s really happy? and it made me so glad to have my boy back – my sweet, humor-filled, loving, fun, precious little kid.

When the train came he clapped and shouted with joy:

…and then we were rewarded with another train, and when we got home Andy’s mom had dropped off a yummy casserole and m m m for Jonah, and my lovely friend K delivered me a delicious apple sage pork chop dinner with mashed potatoes and stuffing, with amazing desert and candy treats besides – even golden chocolate moneycoin (especially for Jonah).  Sometimes I can see how life works, once I decide I am determined to love it again, come hell or high water…how, as Sara Crewe said in A Little Princess, “The worst never quite comes…”

Jonah was good all night.   Another co-worker, B, had kindly given me a little moneycoin bank for Jonah, and the kid played happily on the floor with it, letting out big shrieks of joy (that maybe would have annoyed the crap out of me two months ago but today sounded perfectly awesome).  Then he ate some of his grandma’s casserole, and took a bath, let me help him brush his teeth, and went to bed, all like a very good little angel of a boy.  Whew.  Hooray!  I am grinning ear to ear, almost crying from the amazing wonder of it all.

I ask for help and am getting it.  I push through and am rewarded with days like today.  Thank you, thank you, thank you I tell God in the same mantra of the help me help me help me from the other day.  I appreciate this day.  I appreciate it even if it is only one day of respite.  I appreciate that others are also dealing with awful things and hellish days and long, empty nights.  That I am not alone.

That we are all in this together.

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