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Posts Tagged ‘California’

IMG_20150527_153117207 Remember when I said I was going to get through the winter  without using lights and my thermostat set as low as I could safely manage it?  Well, damnit, I did it.  And now, for further fun and self-flagellation, I’m attempting to go all summer without putting the A/C unit in the window.  It was 82 degrees in my house yesterday.

It all involves very little clothing, drapes closed, and a big fan.

I have a pleasantly cool, finished basement where my two new kitties and I can escape (Almanzo never returned, and I waited until my heart was ready to take in another animal companion).  The cats are 3 years old and had been surrendered at the Mohawk-Hudson Humane Society a week before.  I didn’t really want two, but they are sisters and I didn’t want to separate them.  I’ve named them Laura Bess and Gracie – after guess who?

They are very nearly identical….white with graffiti-sprayed gray atop their heads.  I put a collar on Gracie just to tell them apart, though Gracie’s bigger and usually now I can tell who is who.

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Laura Ingalls Wilder was a little thing, after all — just 4’11”.

And what of Boo?  He is himself.  He is navigating his world the best he can, and we along with him.  A sudden, explosive outburst at his father – when Andy told me on the phone, I nearly threw up.   Jonah attacking him, causing scratches, bruises, bleeding.  Chunks of hair pulled out.   I wasn’t there and I don’t even know exactly what happened, but I’ve seen it all enough to imagine…

…and I don’t want to imagine and I never want to have that happen to anyone again and there isn’t a damn thing any of us can do about it.

I spend a lot of time in the woods.  A lot of time alone.

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I remain afraid of my son.  I’d love to watch him swim, watch him sleep again.  I never get to watch him sleep.  Strange, the pieces of my mama-life I miss the most.  Small memories.  Momentpieces.

Everything is as it is.  I am beginning a meditation practice with Tim, daily, though he is in Indiana and I here.  I have lost my practice and need to regain the refreshing supply of mindfulness which comes from sitting in silence and outside of time.   Most recently we visited for nearly 2 1/2 weeks together both in Bloomington, Indiana (where he lives) and San Diego, California (where he is from, and where we stayed – where I got to meet his mom and her husband, Chris).  Here are some photos, of us — and of course, of Boo.

Love on the Pacific Coast

Love on the Pacific Coast

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putting on his socks and shoes

putting on his socks and shoes

happy on car-ride

And much silliness:

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“The best things in life are silly.”

~ Scott Adams

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Everyone in my office felt it, even way up here in Albany, NY.   I thought of Jonah and wondered if he was feeling it too –  the wavy, hula-hoop, on-a-boat feeling I’d never felt so strongly before, not ever having been a California girl.  They’re already selling t-shirts about it.  One picture I saw depicted the D.C. “earthquake devastation” – that one made me laugh out loud.

Yesterday was also Andy’s birthday.  I  made him a photo frame set with a bunch of pictures of he and Jonah.  He’s moved down to an apartment in Rhinebeck already; yesterday I called a bank and locked in a 3.5% interest refinance on a mortgage so I can keep the house and give Andy his share.  I am glad, and a little jealous, that he is so close to Boo. 

My mom and I and Andy are all going to go to Jonah’s school on Saturday and visit him for the first time since he was admitted on the 16th.  I hope it goes okay and he doesn’t want to come home with us.  Either Andy or I call every day to ask questions about how he’s doing.  If he’s crying for daddy or mama they do not tell me, and I don’t ask.  They generally tell me about aggressions, if there were any (yesterday he had none at all) and what he ate, and how he ate, and what he did.

Most of the direct care workers sound almost nonchalant when they tell me about his day, which is both comforting and unsettling.  I guess he is blending in well and yesterday I even asked “do you guys like him?”  They say yes, we do – he’s a great little boy.  I want so much for them to like him, hug him, teach him, nurture him.  I want warmer weather so he can swim, diving deep to undulate along at the bottom of the pool like he does so expertly.  I want them to cover his face in kisses, chase him on the playground, play music for him, and put lots of bubbles in his bath.  I want them to grow to love him.

There are no new pictures today so I’ll dig into his babyhood to post two cute ones:

Pissed off Boo

Charmer Boo

Everything remains surreal.  I am, for all intents and purposes, abruptly unmarried and childless.  I know I am still Jonah’s mother but no longer am I involved in his daily care at all.  It takes an enormous amount of trust to remain calm and collected about the placement of his little body, mind, and soul to a group of strangers, albeit professionals in the field of autism.  I trust and hope and believe this is right, this is the right thing, he will get better there, he will thrive.

There are no atheists in foxholes, and this is mine.  Not that I was an atheist before, but I’m sure praying more and calling on my peeps gone before me – all those hawks and deer, my grandparents, God, Mary, “and all the angels and saints,” as we Catholics say, to watch over Boo and keep him safe and happy.

Please.

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