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Archive for the ‘trains’ Category

“Played follow the leader
Keeping my steps in time
Counting on the wonder ahead
I leave the pain behind…”

~ Guster, Perfect

Yesterday = 0.0 (zero point zero) attacks.  Agressions.  Flip outs.  Whatever you want to call them, there were none!

Instead there was escalator fun, and we saw trains, and then Andy came and watched him lots, so I went escaped into the woods at the Grafton Peace Pagoda with my cousin B where we dug in the dirt, layed in the leaves, hefted rocks, molded birch bark around leaning saplings, munched on bagels with cream cheese, and sat in meditation in the beautiful temple. 

Thank you, God; I am good today.  People can come in to work and see me and they can ask me how I am doing and I can say I am doing fine and I can actually mean it. 

We are doing fine.

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So I’m hooked up now with in-home behavioral support that’s an ongoing service provided through Wildwood (it should be starting in early December), and my application through the Center for Disability Services for temporary/as-needed respite is being reviewed on the 30th of November.  I’m getting Jonah back on my health insurance, making an appointment for him to see an endocrinologist and a new pediatrician who’s got experience with autism, working full time, and learning my boy all over again.

Jonah’s not as dopey and out-of-it as I had complained about before, and his aggressions have gone down to almost none (at least at home – he still has one or two a day at school) but he is different.  He falls asleep now at 7pm and wakes at 4 or 5 am.  His appetite is enormous – he wants four or five things for breakfast every day:  banana dipped in syrup, followed by a banana with peanut butter spread on it, followed by a piece of pizza, followed by sugar (what he calls a Kit-Kat).  He’s indecisive about what he wants – even more fickle than before, changing his mind almost in mid-request – though Grandma’s house is still a winner every time, and he still wants to see the train as much as humanly possible.

He’s active in school, too; his latest love is roller-skating, they tell me, which makes me want to try Guptil’s in Latham to see exactly what the kid can do.

And he’s learning things by leaps and bounds.  This week he brought home colored-in paper representations of different coins.  “What’s this?”  I asked him, holding up the copper-colored one with Lincoln’s head on it.  “Penny!”  he answered confidently.  He got nickel right, too.   Well I’ll be damned.  Denominations. So much for moneycoin.  He’ll have surpassed my math abilities in no time.

Things are very changed in our lives too.  Part of it is the season – November:  my least favorite month of the year, when I don’t want to take him to the playground in the cold and wind, when I feel beaten down and dragged along by life.   Part of it is there hasn’t been anyone to share the care-taking duties with, so I’m too tired to write when I get him into bed and I’m reluctant to write about being sad or feeling crappy.  Hopefully soon Andy can start taking him more.  (He’s here watching Jonah now so I can write this).  Hopefully I can keep afloat.  Hopefully I will stop being afraid to be alone.

Looks like these afternoons of reverie are through
What’s left for me to say, what’s left for me to do?
Float along and feel the water on my back…
Try not to sink down to the bottom.

~ Guster

M watched Jonah for me last night so I could go with Mx and P to the Dave Matthews Band concert at the Knick (I don’t care how many times they re-name that place, it will always be the Knick to me).  It was the first time in a long time that I’ve been out anywhere, doing something fun.  I’d never seen DMB before and it was really a very good show, but still I lament missing my beloved Guster in Vermont on October 28th.

My second article for the Capital District Parent Pages hit the stands on Monday, and I have to admit it’s fun to see my writing in print.  I’m proud that people are reading  little stories about Jonah, though I keep most of what’s here in the blog out of my articles.  It’s all just a little too edgy for a column that’s positioned across from articles about Thanksgiving dessert recipes you can make with your children.

Now if Metroland ever gives me a column, I’ll let loose with foul language and tales of psych ward madness galore.  Until then, you’ll have to read that shit here.

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I have been exhausted; too tired to think or type down any thoughts that may have sifted through the sleepiness.

On Tuesday Jonah’s school had a half day, so I had to pick him up at 11:30am.  I dreaded it.  When I arrived he’d already had attack incidents at school but I’d just bought that kick-ass harness contraption so I knew he’d be safe in the car.  It is a sickening, saddening, surreal feeling to be afraid to let your child out of his safety harness for fear he will attack you.  But I was too chicken to have Jonah in the house with me alone.  So I literally drove him around until M met me at 3pm to take him to a doctor appointment I’d made for him (almost all the respite/services/ placements/ programs I’m applying for require a current physical).

After I picked him up from school, at Jonah’s request, we headed to Voorheesville to see the trains.  Here we had the first real test of Jonah’s new safety harness, when for no reason he flipped out and tried to launch himself at me.

It is a weird thing to reach for your camera at a time like this, but I feel so journalistic now that it’s a natural instinct.  You can see that although the harness kept his torso back, his legs were free to kick.  Of course I’d thought to remove his shoes, but bare bony ankles hurt too.  After I took the picture I got the hell out of the car and watched, shaking, as he BAM BAM BAM-ed his foot against the console armrest.  I quit smoking almost 10 years ago but it was a smoke-a-cigarette-and-get-your-shit-together moment if there ever was one.

I’ll be looking into a leg/foot restraint next.  After he kicked himself out of energy, by some miracle of miracles, we saw four trains – two at the same time – and Jonah was once again happy.

Then we visited a drive-thru and went up for a ride through Thatcher Park.  Jonah was calm but I knew it could change at any time, for any reason, and the whole time I’m thinking this is ridiculous.  I can’t live like this, afraid to let my child out of the car until I have help.

Finally M and I took Jonah to the doctor and he was pretty good, though I was kind of a wreck.  After the physical and the shot Jonah needed (which didn’t elicit a freak-out attack, like you’d think it would), M took Jonah to the car and I stayed behind to talk to the doc.  Doc came in, pulled a stool up to me, and said “I’m going to say something that’s going to sound horrible, and I’m sorry. But I think it’s time to investigate respite placement for Jonah.”  He explained that I am not going to be able to handle this, emotionally or physically, and that it wasn’t safe for Jonah or for me, or for my mental health.  So I nodded numbly and got some information from him about who I’d need to talk to, and then I left.  Within hours I had a second opinion from my favorite doctor on the planet, and he told me the same thing.

So I considered it.  I thought about it and I cried over it and I had nightmares of it.  On Wednesday, when M could not be with me, my cousin Brian came down to stay with me and Jonah (and he got to witness a mid-level attack on me, too fast for him to stop, which mangled my glasses yet again and gave me that bonus good ol’ “nose smashed into the brain” sensation) until M could come back to help.  I just have to keep someone with me, all the time.  All the time.

I  keep someone with me

and I remind myself to breathe

and I have crying jags that won’t stop

and I have moments of power and strength

and I keep hoping, and feeling the hope crushed, and hoping again.

and it’s breaking me down, all of this, and chip by crack by piece I have come to the place I am today, where I am investigating temporary overnight respite homes for Jonah….to keep him safe, to keep me safe, to keep me from losing my mind altogether and being of no use to either of us.

I do not have help this weekend.  I had to drive Jonah to school this morning (because I’d forgotten his harness at after-school program the day before and they won’t let him ride the bus without it) and then I realized halfway there I’d also forgotten his book bag with his lunch in it – and then on the way he launched another few attacks at me — kicking, screaming, thrashing — and by the time I got to the school, my nerves were so frazzled that I actually called the school on my cell from the front driveway and cried to them to please send someone out for my son and a social worker out for me.

They came and collected Jonah, and in the social worker’s office I asked her tearfully to please help me find some kind of respite care before the weekend.  Please.  As unimaginable as it is going to be to walk away from a home where my son will be for however long he needs to be there, I need this.  Now.  Please.  So she started leaving messages, and so did I.  My father helped me a lot today; we picked Jonah up from school and took him back to the doc for the results of his tine test and my dad stayed with me until M could come back.  I heard back from the social worker and someone from CPS but only to say they were trying.

I am still waiting.  I have one more day until the weekend; I have to believe they will help me tomorrow.

I’ll call and badger and beg if I have to…

Or I don’t know if I am going to make it.

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Today Jonah had a ‘3-incident’ day but it’s still less than usual and it was at school, thank God and thank Wildwood and thank his teachers, who are equipped with safe rooms and hold techniques and lots of trained, caring folk to cope with my boy.  (I’d be such a poor special ed teacher, crying like a little girl pushed by a bully every time some kid bit me).

And I never thought I’d love a Monday so much.

Today Jonah was very good at after-school program — and hallelujah the 5-point car harness thing I’d ordered for him came in, so I picked it up at lunchtime.  It looked like kind of a complicated contraption; when I got back to the office, I handed it to co-worker/handyman/mechanically inclined S and asked him to put it together for me.  “Did you even try to do it yourself?”  he asked me.  “Well, no,” I responded sheepishly.  “Then go try first, like a big person!” he half-mocked.

So I did.  I installed that hundred-and-fifty-dollar contraption in the car my own self, and walked upstairs all proud, and S asked me “now don’t you feel empowered?”  and yeah, I had to admit, I did feel empowered.  As if some kind of Superwoman emerged from the ashes of a broken, busted-up, scared little girl.  (If you count installing a car harness to be a superpower).

And Jonah acquiesced nicely to being secured in the thing, so we proceeded to go see his beloved train.  He laughed and giggled the whole way — I kept catching my breath and holding it, forgetting to breathe, almost, thinking:  really?  he’s really happy? and it made me so glad to have my boy back – my sweet, humor-filled, loving, fun, precious little kid.

When the train came he clapped and shouted with joy:

…and then we were rewarded with another train, and when we got home Andy’s mom had dropped off a yummy casserole and m m m for Jonah, and my lovely friend K delivered me a delicious apple sage pork chop dinner with mashed potatoes and stuffing, with amazing desert and candy treats besides – even golden chocolate moneycoin (especially for Jonah).  Sometimes I can see how life works, once I decide I am determined to love it again, come hell or high water…how, as Sara Crewe said in A Little Princess, “The worst never quite comes…”

Jonah was good all night.   Another co-worker, B, had kindly given me a little moneycoin bank for Jonah, and the kid played happily on the floor with it, letting out big shrieks of joy (that maybe would have annoyed the crap out of me two months ago but today sounded perfectly awesome).  Then he ate some of his grandma’s casserole, and took a bath, let me help him brush his teeth, and went to bed, all like a very good little angel of a boy.  Whew.  Hooray!  I am grinning ear to ear, almost crying from the amazing wonder of it all.

I ask for help and am getting it.  I push through and am rewarded with days like today.  Thank you, thank you, thank you I tell God in the same mantra of the help me help me help me from the other day.  I appreciate this day.  I appreciate it even if it is only one day of respite.  I appreciate that others are also dealing with awful things and hellish days and long, empty nights.  That I am not alone.

That we are all in this together.

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“I caught a piece of the sunshine, put a little hope in me
But after the flood raged, there’s nothing really left to see
But I was not done, or beat, the violence was a source of strength:
Not everything is always just as it seems…”

~ Guster

I gave Jonah his pill right off the bat Sunday morning and warily waited to see what kind of kid the world was going to deal me this day.  Attack number one came early; we were sitting together on the couch watching Thomas the Tank Engine when he turned sideways suddenly and kicked me in the face.  I jumped up to avoid further injury and held him on the couch until he quieted, then we counted down together and he seemed okay.  (I think I’ll have a bit of a shiner though).

I guess I got a little squirrely.  I knew I wouldn’t have help until early afternoon at best and I was tired of being afraid.  I decided that even though the new 5-point harness I ordered for our car didn’t arrive yet, I would secure him in the car seat with the shoulder strap, tight, and lap belt too, and pull the driver’s seat up as far as possible.  I figured he’d be safe and I could just drive him to see the train and wherever else, anywhere else, just to eat up time.  He did get to see the train but he was cranky and seemed really light-sensitive.

He asked: car ride? …so I decided to take a familiar loop through Altamont and back around to Voorheesville.   Very suddenly and without provocation, Jonah unbelted his seat belt (which I thought was too far away for him to reach) and launched himself at me, grabbing a chunk of my hair and my glasses, which went flying.  I can’t see to drive without them, so I pulled over abruptly.  Quite automatically, without much thought or premeditation, I found my glasses, got out of the vehicle, closed the door, walked to the front of the car, pulled my cell phone out, dialed 911, and blubbered out the story of my Lifetime TV movie life to the dispatcher.  I’m afraid to drive, I said.  I’m afraid he’s going to make me go off the road and crash, I cried.

Passing motorists gaped at the sobbing lady on her cell phone.  Soon I was surrounded by three emergency vehicles (I told them no ambulance was needed, thanks anyway) all filled with people who wanted to help me but seemed confused as to where to take us exactly.  The whole time Jonah was in the car and pretty calm.  I thought maybe they’d think I was nuts, he was so calm — I wasn’t sure they’d even believe me — but I had teeth bite marks from yesterday and a brand new puffy cheek to prove I was indeed, I guess, a ‘battered mom’.  Finally they put Jonah, car seat and all, in the back of a cruiser and I followed them to the AMC/CDPC crisis center, where a doctor talked to us briefly and I called my friend M to come and meet us there.  I told the doc I thought I could handle things with M’s help; they fed Jonah another dose of clonodine, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, chips, and a nuclear-orange colored drink while he watched Toy Story and I rested on a bench, closing my eyes, focusing on breathing.  In, out.  In, out.

“…so take a breath and step into the light….everything will be all right…”

~ Guster

He stayed incident-free once we got home, and my friends P and Mx kindly dropped me off some yummy cider, pie, and black soda.  After I put Jonah on the bus to beautiful, blessed Wildwood School, I’m going to bring the cider and pie to work, heat both of them up, sit at my desk, eat, drink, and smile from the complete respite of it all.

Sweet, wonderful work.  Marvelous Monday.

Bring it on.

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the thing is

The Thing Is…

by Ellen Bass

…to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.

The thing is how can a body withstand this, indeed?  Can I learn to love this life?  Mary, where did you go?  Why did you impart strength one day only to sap me of it the next?  Is there a God who hears me pleading help me, help me, help me, over and over in the middle of the night like something broken?

The thing is I now don’t care how many people hear me scream and moan and cry.  I don’t care how ugly it all looks to everyone.  I’m sorry, mom.

The thing is I am sapped of energy, of hope.  I can’t do it anymore, I think, and then I do it some more.  I live for the hours between and around and instead of Jonah attacking.  I have bite marks, bruises, hair ripped out, my nose feeling like it’s been smashed into my brain, sore spots all over my body.  Only three times yesterday, he attacked.  Only.  Smashed glass and overturned chairs, cranberry juice dripping from walls.   My tears.  Sobbing.  Shaking.  Trapped.

The thing is it is 6:02am and Jonah is making noise from his room and we are alone and I am afraid of my eight year old son.  I am typing quietly, pressing the keys slowly so he does not hear and stays in bed.

The thing is I am angry.  I am irrationally angry at so many people.  I am angry at everyone who gets to live their lives in peace and calm.  On Monday I will arrive at work and there will be conversation of weekends spent “not doing much” or maybe going to a party, or just watching whatever sports game people deem important and fun right now.  Of dinners and friends, of haunted hay rides and leaf-peeping and apple pie.  Of blessed normalcy.  I am angry because there is no chance of that for me now, not a snowball’s chance in hell of any of it, and I am envious, and sometimes bitter, and I walk among all these people everywhere and even if I share with them some piece of my story nobody who hasn’t lived it has any fucking clue and most don’t care anyway.

The thing is I am resentful.  I am resentful that my husband has left me to pick up the pieces.  I am resentful that Child Protective Services has come to my home and that they took pictures of my son’s bruises and interrogated me about what Andy did, and for how long, and did I know about it, and then lectured me about how it could’ve been just like Jonathan Carey, that he could have killed our son.  Lectured meGo up to fucking Saratoga and lecture him, I want to say.  Go away.  I need Adult Protective Services.  Where the fuck are they?

The thing is I know Andy is not violent.  I know CPS is painting a picture of him that is inaccurate, and ugly, and anything I say to the contrary makes it sound like we were in some sort of secret pact to silently abuse our son, and that pisses me off too.  Andy is a good father. When we had decided to separate a few weeks ago I had no compunction at all about leaving him to be the stay-at-home parent in the house with Jonah and me getting an apartment somewhere.  Of course now that is impossible; I am left to work full time and care for Jonah, and it isn’t fair, and I want to scream and throw a tantrum.  I have a whole new appreciation for single parents everywhere, disabled kids or no.

The thing is Andy calls me 2 or 3 times a day and I try not to let him in on how hard it is here because I know he feels guilty and awful and I know he is trapped too, in this depression and in a program where they have to let him out for him to go — and even when they do let him out, they probably won’t let him help me with Jonah, at least not for a while.  But yesterday when he called at 8:30pm I was lying in bed exhausted and empty and I told him about the day.  Just hang in there, he told me.  I’m so sorry.

The thing is I want help and yesterday there was no one to help me.  My parents tried but they saw the attacks — my dad for the first time — and I think it shocked the holy living shit out of him.  It’s one thing to hear me tell of an “attack” and it is something else entirely to witness it.  At least they cleaned up the aftermath for me while I held Jonah.  Other friends and family want to help but I really can’t have people here – it agitates Jonah – I even had to ask my parents to leave yesterday – and I don’t know what help to ask for.   Please leave some deliciously prepared food on my porch?  Please whisk me away from all of this?  Please trade your life for mine, even for just one day?  Please just don’t leave me, even though I am so incredibly bitchy and raving and messy and weeping?   Please care.  Please pray.  Please please please.

My cousin D came over after I texted her in desperation; she was my savior, speaking to my parents, teaching them how to do holds, telling me that if I need it I can and should call a crisis center who can come and help.  She saved (salvaged?) my day.  The thing is even she cannot fix this.

To top it all off my sink is clogged and there is water and food gunk in there and the Drano didn’t work and there is laundry to do and dried spills to clean and another day to get through before I can escape back to the office and the people with their normal lives for me to watch, like I am an child pressing her face against a glass wall looking in at a party I’m not invited to….that I’ll never be invited to…

The thing is I am tired.

I don’t mean in the I want a long nap way, but in a soul-tired torpor fog way that feels like there’s horror mixed in.

The thing is I don’t care anymore how self-pitying or awful this sounds.  I just don’t care anymore.

The thing is I have to believe that I can hold life like a face
between my palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and I can say, yes, I will take you:

I will love you, again.

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Doctor: Ray, do you want to stay and live with your brother Charlie?

Raymond: Yeah.

Doctor: Or do you want to go back to Walbrook?

Raymond: Yeah.

Doctor: Which is it? Go back to Walbrook or stay with Charlie Babbitt?

Raymond: Go back to Walbrook, stay with Charlie Babbitt.  Stay with Charlie Babbitt, go back to Walbrook.

~ Rainman, 1988

– – –

“Jonah, do you want a donut?”  I ask him this morning on the way to the train.

“Donut?”  he repeats.  “Okay, boo, mama’ll get you a donut,” I tell him.

I come out of Stewart’s with a donut and hand it to him.  Before he’s even taken the first bite, he’s on to the next request.  “Grandma?”

“Grandma’s closed,” I answer.  I know my mom’s working today so that means she won’t be open for business until at least 3:30 this afternoon.  We continue on to the train tracks just as a train is going by, so it’s an instant-gratification experience for Jonah.

“Eddie?”  comes the next request.  Eddie is our office cat where I work, and sometimes I’ll take Jonah over on rainy days to feed Eddie a treat or throw a jingle-ball down the stairs to him a few dozen times.  The last place I want to be on a lovely weekend morning, however, is my workplace, so I shoot down this request as well.  “Eddie’s closed,” I say in what I hope passes for a mournful tone.  “Let’s go for a little car ride.”

“Window?”  he asks.  I give him the go-ahead and he rolls his window down all the way.  It’s kind of cold, being a mid-September morning — maybe 55 degrees.  But Jonah is impervious to cold in a way I neither share nor understand, so I turn on my heated seat and crank up the blower heat too.

My best friend Gina loved rolling her window all the way down, in any weather, and I find myself thinking of her…remembering our road trips, all the car’s vents directed toward me, blowing hot as she enjoyed the chilly wind.  She died 8 years ago but I can almost hear her laughing at me, riding around Voorheesville early Sunday morning to watch a train go by, for God’s sake…blasting heat and begrudgingly allowing Jonah to roll his window down.  I like the wind too, I imagine her whispering in his ear.

Then:  “This way?!”  Jonah half-requests and half-insists.  He has not pointed in any direction so I don’t know which way he wants to go.  I glance backward and ask him again.  “Straight?”  I guess.  Straight will take us along our normal loop up through Altamont and back to the train tracks in Voorheesville. “Straight,” he repeats (while pointing to the left).  But I’m not looking at him, so I drive forward, operating under the foolish assumption that Jonah knows what straight means.  “This way!”  he shouts, agitated now.  “This way!”

I pull the car over so I can see where he’s pointing, and then turn the car around to pass back over near the train tracks.

“Train?”  he asks.  “That way?!”

“You want to stay here and wait for another train?”  I ask.  I am very nearly ready to endure whatever tantrum is brewing rather than attempt to further unravel his fickle directional desires.  “Stay he-ah?”  Jonah echoes.  So we stay.

I lean back in my seat.

I close my eyes.

After a minute or two, from the backseat:  “That way?!”

I can’t help but laugh.  “Jonah,” I ask him, quoting Rainman, “do you want to stay with your brother Charlie or go back to Walbrook?”

“Stay he-ah,” he answers definitively.   Not five minutes later another train comes by, and Jonah is delighted.

Sometimes I think he’s got it all figured out and just likes to mess with my head.

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Most mornings, Jonah wakes up and loiters near his bedroom doorway, making little noises until Andy or I extend an invitation for him to come in our room.  We didn’t teach him this; it’s not like with the potty, where we dangle the ‘black soda carrot’ to elicit a desired behavior.  I have no idea what makes him wait at the threshold of his room when he clearly wants to jump in bed with us (and when this kind of self-regulation appears to be lacking entirely in every other instance of his life).  But wait he does.  This morning:

“Where’s my bunny?” I call out to him.  It’s 7:15am, kind of late for Jonah to be first waking and uttering his jabberwocky.  He comes running in and around to my side of the bed, where I pull back the sheet so he can get under the covers.  It’s awfully early but I’m an early bird by nature, and the truth is I love this time with Jonah, when I get to hug him close and kiss the top of his little almost-blonde head, when I get to squeeze him tight and sing “he’s the best little boy in the –”

–and hear Jonah’s little voice finishing the phrase: “– whole wide world!”

Today, though, I am particularly tired when he comes bounding in.  “Let’s go back to sleepy bye,” I whisper in a not-so-convincing excited voice.  For a while he cuddles but then gets restless and begins his daily litany of requests, repetitions, rituals…

Sighing, I mutter a phrase we say jokingly at work all the time: “Dear God and little baby Jesus help me.”

Reliably, Jonah repeats what he thinks he has heard.  “Help me, baby Jason!”

Laughing, I sit up.  “Wanna go see train?” I ask, figuring he’s going to ask me anyway so I’ll beat him to the punch.

Moneycoin?” he asks.  So it’s going to be a moneycoin kind of day. I get him a Tupperware container with maybe an inch or two of moneycoin inside; he is delighted.  “Moneycoin!” he shouts in gleeful agreement.  Then:  “train?” he asks.  “Yes, boo, we can go see the train too,” I generously concede.

On the way, we turn Guster up loud – and Jonah’s Tupperware container of moneycoin is a fine percussion instrument.  “So go… on!  If it’ll make you happier!” he sing-shouts, shaking his moneycoin around to the beat.  During the next song, a quieter tune, he gently swishes the moneycoin inside the container with his hand. Never let it be said my boy can’t break it down.

We even see two trainssomething spectacularly fortuitous. Later, we go with Grandma Jane to the park and Jonah brings his moneycoin along; for a while he just sits on a picnic bench and lets it run through his fingers in a miserly fashion.


Then he carries it to the top of the slide and dumps it down, a great rain of moneycoin falling into a shiny scattered pile at the bottom. A couple of two-or-three-year-old kids try to talk to Jonah at one point.

“Hi!” the little girl says brightly.  I prompt Jonah, who is so engrossed in the world of moneycoin, he probably doesn’t even hear the kid.

“Say hi, boo,” I tell him.

“Hi,” he says without looking up.  The precocious girl is indignant. “I”m over here,” she insists.

“He’s not much of a talker,” I explain.  My mother-in-law has already told the parents that Jonah has autism.  The little kids quickly lose interest and run off, laughing at some shared tidbit.  They’re awfully cute, those kids.

My boy, on the other hand, is completely grimy, dirt coating his hands, his grubby clothes, most of his face, and of course, his bare feet.  Jonah hears a train horn and goes tearing off toward the car.  We spring into action and actually catch the damn thing at the tracks.  Sweet.

After the park and the bonus-train, we visit Grandma Jane and Grandpa Jim’s house, where Jonah dumps the remaining moneycoin, this time in their driveway.

We got home a little while ago.  Now he’s in the bath, washing off round one of what will likely be two or three rounds-worth of dirt he’ll acquire today.

Dear God and little baby Jason help us.

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Every weekend morning, the first thing out of Jonah’s mouth is wan go see train?

Of course I want to go see the train, bunny. I am waiting with bated breath to see the train.

Thus begins our day, nearly always around 7:30am…bathing,  dressing, driving to Stewart’s or Dunkin’ Donuts for a coffee & usually something to eat (the coffee’s for me but Jonah’d drink it if I let him), then heading to Voorheesville where we pull over by a  randomly-open cash-only diner next to the train tracks and sit to wait for the inevitable train (there isn’t a schedule but there are plenty of early trains on the weekends).

I’m usually still pretty sleepy, whereas Jonah springs out of bed with the energy of noontime.  By the time I get him buckled in his booster seat, he’ll have worked himself up to a fever pitch, sucking his thumb in eager anticipation, humming urgently, and carefully tracking our turns to ensure I do not deviate from the accustomed route.  It was a bitch when they closed Krumkill Road for a few weeks and we had to take an alternate path to go-see-train. 

That Way!  That Way! Jonah would shout, pointing to the ROAD CLOSED sign. 

Jonah, That Way is CLOSED! I’d answer, cursing the construction, putting a Guster CD in to distract him, trying not to cave in to complete exasperation with the weekend only a few hours old.

God help us if I need gas, for that requires deviation from the route as well.   I can almost hear the gears of anxiety cranking into motion in Jonah’s brain.  Wait! Will there not be donut?

On these days, as I head toward the gas station, his voice from the backseat calls out every three seconds or so, with increasing urgency:  donut?

donut?

donut?

donut?

“Yes, yes, bunny, okay, donut.  Donut is open for business!  Train is open for business! Five minutes.”

Five mitt-ens, he confirms, deep suspicion in his voice.  Sometimes there is a breakdown at this point: me pumping gas and muttering to myself (why didn’t I do this yesterday?) – Jonah screeching, twisting in his car seat, trying to kick the window.  If the breakdown is bad, I’ll take him home for quiet time – but this is rare, as he is careful, even in his most anxious moments, not to compromise a chance at witnessing that glorious, graffiti-painted cargo train whiz by.

Some days when we arrive at the pull off area by the tracks, we see other train people.  Because Jonah has adored trains for two years or so now, I’ve learned a thing or two about these colorful characters.   They’re called railfanners, and they seek out the train-watching experience with an enthusiasm remarkably akin to Jonah’s.

a railfanner!

These railfanners, some with out-of-state plates, pull over and set up tripods to capture it all on video – from the moment the train enters sight around the bend to the time it disappears in a shrinking pinpoint down the straight track at the other end.   I want to ask the railfanners from Vermont and Massachusetts if they have trains in their own states, and if so, why they drive all this way to see ours.  Is Voorheesville a famous hotspot among railfanner elite?

We see one teenage boy a lot who rides over on his bike; he is outfitted with a neon green volunteer safety patrol vest, cell phone, and walkie-talkie.

he knows a lot about trains!

I ask him when the next train is coming, and he answers there’s a train leaving the Selkirk station in five minutes and another should be coming from the other direction in three minutes. I wonder if he has Asperger’s.  He knows so ridiculously much about the trains – where they’ve come from, where they’re going, which ones are owned by what companies, why some trains have three engines, what the trains are carrying – and more – that my mind is blown.

Armed with this new information concerning the arrival of the next train, Jonah waits in eager anticipation, cupping his hand behind his ear as I roll down all the windows.  He almost always offers running commentary.  Hear it?  Comin?  I hear it!  Hear it?  Train com-in?  Hear it?  I hear it!  Comin?

By the time the clang of the railroad crossing begins and the lights flash with the lowering of the gate, Jonah is beside himself with excitement.  Sometimes he’s cool about it, betraying his eagerness only by sucking his thumb with vigor and widening his eyes, and other times he shouts yaaaaaaaaay! and bounces in the seat, grunting and humming expectantly.  The train horn is always very loud, and Jonah covers his ears for that part, keen to catch the visual of the cars blurring as they pass, tilting his head to watch glinting sun reflections off shiny surfaces.  Then he sucks his thumb again, rocking in time to the rhythmic lurchings and mechanical tempos of the amazing, oft-sought-after train.

the train is loud!

Sometimes we’re lucky; I’ll drive around a bit after the train comes, and on the way back we’ll have perfect timing to see another one.   When we arrive home on those extra special days, he’ll declare to his dad, in rare full sentence style,  We saw two trains!

For Jonah, life doesn’t get much better than that.

For maybe five mitt-ens.

Then it’s on to the next thing on his favorites list.  He scrolls through verbally until we capitulate on something.

Grandma?  Swim-pool?  Number one park? Bath?  Black soda?

And sometimes, even, again:

Wan go see train?

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