I could write inspiring and encouraging words, a pep talk Chicken Soup For The Soul,
but I already fell into that trap.
I don’t have a fucking clue what it feels like to be you.
Not a clue.
What the fuck do you know, R?
You don’t know shit.
That is so, that IS so.
I DO know that walking towards life is at once the brave path,
And yet the only one that brings relief.
I do know that fucking much.
That much I do know.
And so I answered “yes,” and something inside me woke up, and I am walking toward life, toward embracing life – all of it, even the suffering and pain – the helplessness and disorder. At
Four Winds they call it “radical acceptance.”
Because one of the things I never say here is how close I have been at any given moment to turning away from life completely. How my bones feel like bars of a cage… how often I want to crawl out of my skin… how I feel utterly uncomfortable inside my body. How close I come to running away in a literal sense – to driving until the gas is on empty and then curling up in a ball in a forest somewhere.
Yes, I know how ridiculous I sound.
I can change all of these things. What you focus on expands.
It shall be an amazing, healthy, happy 2013.
And as if to drive this all home, Jonah was wonderful yesterday. My mom and I risked the snow we knew was coming and drove down to Rhinebeck, luckily before any weather had started at all.
Jonah wanted grandma in the backseat and he proceeded to steal her gloves and wear them quite happily (which is funny because he won’t wear his own. Maybe we’ll get him a similar pair as these, which he loved and laughed about having “stolen” from grandma):
The satisfaction of a heist well executed: pulling them on..
Then glancing over to see grandma’s reaction…
I love how he looks like a little guru here, or as if in prayer…
Jonah sang and laughed and ate tune-fish-sandwich and chips and cranbewwy soda. He took his bath and we went for car ride to transfer station (where you recycle).
My mother and I breathed a collective sigh of relief when we started home in the snow…we thanked God, almost in tears, for another good day, for a happy boy.
And later, having arrived safely home, I took a few pictures of the beautiful snow falling on my house and lawn. I put Knockout Ned out there for the ScareMeNot Facebook page, so you’ll see him hanging from our lamp post:
“And what you wished for could come true;
You aren’t surprised, love, are you?”
~What you Wish For, Guster
The Never Normal 
Yes… Life…
Lean into it…
Hugs and Love
Leah
Perhaps this may speak to you: http://30daysofautism.wordpress.com/2012/12/08/nurturing-neurodiversity-i-cannot-stop-the-sea/
LikeLike
Congratulations on your decision to walk toward life. May that be the mantra which makes the dawning new year different from so many recent ones. Jonah looks adorable with grandma’s gloves, so pleased and happy. And your house is straight out of Currier and Ives. Wishing you the amazing, healthy, happy 2013 you have intended to create for yourself.
LikeLike