I’ve gone through a time bending worm-hole. It was six weeks away, and now it is a week and a day. I will pour myself into work, twice as much as usual, for I’m taking next week off to do this thing and then process it best I can without having to think too much.
I keep calling it this thing like it doesn’t deserve recognition in any other terms. My God, I’m going nuts. Off the charts. Just mailed the direct care workers at Jonah’s residence letters and pictures and my blog address, cell phone number – as much information as I could muster about my precious, barely-verbal boo.
Also I sent thank yous – expressions of gratitude for what they do and deal with every day, for choosing to help these children and face injury and shit smears and God knows what else – all for less money than they deserve, undoubtedly – for what they do is priceless.
I hope this week and next week fly by. I hope I can go far inside my head, into a Novocain-place, into numbness and ennui, even when I must be awake to work & think. As oxymoronic as it sounds, I want the foundation of my days to be a state of sleep from which I can wake later, later. Some other time. Some other place.
I don’t want to live through this.
The Never Normal 
My love is with you throughout these most difficult two weeks. You will make it through the dark tunnel of separation intact, physically, mentally, emotionally, for you are much stronger than you think.
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Hi Amy, you say you don’t want to through this. I find the best way to get through something unbearable, is to look beyond it, to what comes after (not the numbness or the pain) look to the visits, the smiling little boy who will hopefully greet you when you go to spend time, just with him. Visit that place in the future where you have found serenity and acceptance and your days are filled with hope. You will be there before you know it. It works for the most trivial events (visits to the dentist, formal dinners that seem never ending,) and it works for those bigger, life changing events in some small and strange way – for me at least. Think yourself through to the other side and before you know it, you will be through it.
Finally, be excited for Jonah. he knows nothing of this but he is about to go on an adventure and this adventure could open up his life. I am sorry I cannot say anything more helpful but I do believe that your strength will carry you through.
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