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Archive for August 3rd, 2011

When Jonah was a baby, I wrote him some poetry.  My best friend Gina shot and killed herself when boo was just 5 months old, and in my grief I went on a writing frenzy.  They say the writing saves the writer and I know they’re right. 

I need to write my Capital District Parent Pages article for September; it is due soon.  What to say?  I will submit it before he is gone, and it will be published and distributed after he is there.  I may go back in time, like I did for my July article, where I spoke mostly about his natural swimming ability.

I have been re-visiting his past – my pregnancy, his babyhood, everything that led to now.

There is a poem I called Womb Magicand parts of it again ring true; eerily similar to now.  After wanting a waterbirth, I had to have a c-section; it was the opposite of what I’d wanted, just like this. 

I need more magic, more faith.  More freeing of my mind from worry.  God help me but as the days draw to their inevitable beginnings and ends I feel rising panic in my throat, my gut, my heart.  Please, God, help me.  Help Andy, help Boo.  Please help me.  Please and thank you.

I am so grateful for everyone who reads, who reaches out, who understands, or tries to, who reassures and cyber-hugs me.  I am grateful I have this place where I can come and bitch or ponder, express the pain or the wonder or the anxiety.  Shaking, I continue because there is no choice but to continue. 

In the mornings I listen to beautiful music that carries me away – Mozart, Vivaldi, Beethoven, Rachmaninoff.  I let it enter me and soothe like balm.  On the way to and from work I play Guster, LOUD, singing songs I know so well they are a part of me now.

Anyway, I thought I’d share the poem, for ‘cooking a baby’ isn’t easy – and may well be compared to magic – just like letting go of one (who seems like my baby, even though he’s 9) isn’t at all easy.

Womb Magic

Two rehearsals went awry.

First I stumbled, dropped the wand
I heard the heckling audience’s hiss

and then onstage I felt
I froze
I felt
unsympathetic ruby spotlights
stealing all the magic words
I ever knew.

Of course there is a trick to it.

I was under the illusion
I was under
it
would be effortless, the show’d go on
without me after all it was
a commonplace performance for the man
behind the curtain, for all the men
behind every curtain

and I said
if I was not the world’s best
well I could always adopt another occupation
I could take on an apprentice I could
quietly retire

but then
in time
at last
suspending
disbelief

I conjured you from soul and cell and bone
with nothing up my sleeve
in one swift sleight of
hand

and pulled,
to rave reviews,
a living breathing rabbit
from an enchanted empty hat.

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