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Posts Tagged ‘Mansfield’

I don’t know if this is a surprising fact or not, but I’ve never read my blog all the way through.  But sometimes I read old entries, especially when they show up on my “top posts” list – partly, I guess, because I wonder how or why certain entries ended up there.  And partly to see how often I say the same shit, or whether or not I’ve ever given a blog post the same title twice.  And partly to document events & things I will otherwise flush down the memory toilet.  And for a bunch of other reasons.

One thing I realized is I start stories and then don’t finish them.  Like the whole Humira saga, when I had to pay more than two thousand dollars out of pocket for Jonah’s medicine and then fought through miles of red tape for weeks to get reimbursed – and even then only with the help of a few incredibly kind, kick-ass professionals.  I never re-visited that story.  Maybe I just forget to re-visit things…0r even mention them in the first place.  So today for you I have a list of stuff I’m pretty sure I never talked much about.  Some are opinions.  Some are confessions.  Some are boring.  All are true.

1.  I got reimbursed in full for Jonah’s $2k Humira refill.

2.  In ten days, for ten days, I am going on vacation to Waikoloa, Hawaii.   (Yes, my house is being watched).

3. I have been living from Guster show to Guster show for a few years now; this truth became evident when I realized I immediately purchase tickets the moment they are available, each and every time I get a tour announcement e-mail from them.  Just bought tickets for yet another show; they’re playing near Boston with Dispatch.  Someday Jonah will come with us.  I hope so anyway.  (They’ll have a summer tour on top of this and I’ll buy tickets to at least one show on that tour, too, the moment they are made available to me).

Saturday June 8th
Mansfield, MA @ Comcast Center w/ Dispatch
$42 – All Ages – 6PM
Ticket Presale (January 28th @ 12PM, use code “CIRCLES”) | Info & Facebook RSVP

4.  More and more often I find myself wanting to find ways for Jonah to swim.  He is so happy in the water.  There is a hotel near my house that offers an indoor swim club, and there is always the Center for the Disability Services, though their pool is literally 90-something degrees and necessarily full of chlorine.  Maybe Andy can help me find a place down near where they live where we could bring him.

5.  I secretly (well, obviously not so secretly) love that Jonah sucks his thumb.  He does not flap or rock, but he does walk in circles, and he loves to suck his thumb.  I even love the way he sucks his thumb (watch the end of yesterday’s post‘s 19 second video).  Maybe it’s because I was a thumb-sucker too.

6.  Sometimes I feel happy that I have more freedom now that Jonah doesn’t live with me.

7.  Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling happy for feeling free.

So it goes.

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Sorry for the Buddhist-poem-flake-out.  It’s all part of the necessary path, I guess.

“There’s no earthly way of knowing… which direction we are going…” ~ Willie Wonka

Not only don’t I know which direction we are going, but I don’t even know now where I am.  I sleep as early and as much as possible – greedily falling into the cushion-y darkness where everything turns OFF for long, glorious hours.  I wake confused, then teary, and I gulp down the pills that help me through the day.  I’m just not hungry lately either.  It’s as if I got to an anxiety/fear point so high I smashed through its glass roof (Willie Wonka style, speaking of the great confectioner) and now I’m flying around grasping at different ideas, completely ungrounded, definitely dazed, and evidently, flaking out as well.

All these thoughts.  I decided I ‘m going to learn Spanish.  I want to visit Mansfield, MO, home of my beloved heroine, Laura Ingalls Wilder.  I’m going to read books even as an English major I’d never dared attempt:  Les Miserable and War and Peace.  I’ll learn to play guitar.  Write a novel, maybe even out of this blog.  Visit my relatives, send them all care packages.  Volunteer to read to kids at the library.  Walk dogs at the humane society.  Do yoga.  Learn to paint.  Anything, everything.  Something so I’m not nobody doing nothing.

Sometimes I have these grandiose plans to change the world, at least my world and the people in and around it, making positive deposits in the great big bank of karma.

But still I play out scenarios of the day we drop off our son, over and over, with different circumstances and outcomes each time…except he is always gone at the end.  In the scenarios we always have to go, we always drive away.  He is always, always gone, and he will be gone, and he will be gone soon.  No wonder I am meditating on impermanence.  I can’t really comprehend any of it.

Andy and I met with a mediator and we have workbooks to fill in, just like we did at the church when we were planning to marry.  Everything is cyclic.  We will wait until Jonah is at his new school and then we will re-convene, workbooks completed, bringing yet another thing to its conclusion.

My friend H (bless her) invited M and me and Jonah to her pool again tomorrow, thank you thank you thank you little H.  To her it may not be much but to us it is everything.  Yesterday M and I had to drive Jonah around the entire time we had him; there was simply nowhere we could go.  It poured rain and Jonah didn’t want music.  I got him singing at one point but then he started his repetitive requesting-phase:

Wannatakeabath?  Wannatakeabath?  Wannatakeabath? Bye Bye M.  Wannatakeabath?  Daddy?  Wannatakeabath? Bye Bye M.  Daddy?  Daddy?  Grandma?  Swim-pool? Swim-pool? Wannatakeabath? Wannatakeabath? Wannatakeabath? Wannatakeabath? (Insert BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM instantly followed by giggling laughter).  WannaseeJack?  WannaseeJack?

And I curse myself for gritting my teeth and wanting to shout SHUT UP because soon enough I’ll wish I could hear his little voice, no matter what it was saying or shouting or screaming.

Oh, what a weird place in time & space this is.

“For the rowers keep on rowing,
And they’re certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing…

~Willie Wonka

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