The Never Normal

When Jonah was little and wanted to do something, we’d tell him it was either “open” or “closed.” He seemed to understand this better than any explanation about why he couldn’t go to park, see grandma, or eat another cookie; the desired person, place, or thing was simply “closed.”

Today I closed on the home Andy and I bought in December of 2000, where Jonah grew up from the time he was born until we dropped him off at Anderson to learn and live. I know he remembers the house, because he remembers everything, even people’s names he’s only met once, years ago. I’m sad to say it, Boo, but home is closed.

When people ask why I didn’t sell my mother’s house and live in my own home again, I joke that her house is nicer, that I’d never be able to afford it if she hadn’t died. But the truth is I can’t go back. I can’t live there again with all the ghosts of celebrations and holidays, of joys and tragedies, things to remember and revisit and regret. And so I am here, in this too-big house still mostly decorated in my mother’s taste, in carpets and colors nothing like those I would have chosen. I suppose I can leave here too and find my own place and my own space in the world, but I am waiting for Boo – for where he will be when he moves to adult placement. Because I don’t know when or where that will be, here I stay, putting up pictures and putting down throw rugs to make the place more mine, for now.

When I am feeling lonely, scared, or sad, I look at photos and video of Happy Boo, for there are so many captured smiles and fun and laughter, mostly thanks to Briana and Siara and the folks at his school.

The video in particular is all I need to feel 100% better when I’m feeling down. He’d never been to a water park before; in the past, his aggressive behaviors precluded his going on outings, especially lengthy ones…but this year Briana pushed to have him join the others. He absolutely adored it. I love his raspy euphoric laughter and the obvious happiness brimming over in Briana’s voice as she films and calls to him. Sometimes I watch it over and over. It fills me with happiness too.

There’s no joy like Boo joy!

I hope his joy makes you smile. And I hope this autumn brings you joy as well.