Sometimes Boo’s autism feels like a chess game. Right now we keep putting that motherfucker in check. We’ve learned, studied the books about moves and counter-moves, strategies and systems, and we are all becoming a better opponent. Check.
The pendulum has slowed to teeny movements of to and fro – a weakening player in the game. Check. I believe this because I need to believe this, no matter how many times the forward motion is halted, no matter how many times I lose a chess piece or a piece of my mind. It’s as simple as it is difficult to learn and accept.
Do I sound “crazy”? All these mixed metaphors. I feel it these days, the crazy, all alien and weird inside my house where I work and am alone with a cat and a dog and no kids and no definition of myself to embrace. It’s okay. It’s okay, I tell myself. Everything is okay. Boo is doing so well, and you have escaped the rat race, and now there is peace in your home.
Still I am alien, a unicorn among moms who either have their children or they don’t. And if one is gone there are others left behind. The truth is I don’t want other children with me here to raise and figure out while Boo is away from me. We only wanted one child, Andy and I.
But I am blessed and I am grateful and really all it takes to bring me back is to walk away from the chessboard, take a deep breath, and allow myself to be filled with those feelings of gratitude and grace. There isn’t anything to fear, and worry is a waste of my time. As I get older I realize more and more that everyone has their own shitpile, visible or no.
The pain we feel and the desire to feel happiness is what makes us most common as human beings, after all. You are never alone, and neither am I.
I’m going into blah blah blah mode. Red light!
Everything since last I wrote has been pretty much awesome with Boo. Mother’s Day he was happy and sweet, and I’ve got lots of cute pics to share from our visits. I am so lucky to have such a precious son!
Happy boo having quiet time on the big blue bed
We had to wait an hour and ten minutes for the doctor this time, and Boo was sooo good! Much thanks to P and J, who bring him up from Anderson to the doc appointments and keep Boo from boiling over!
Love to all…. & sending prayers and strength to my peeps in the autism groups I belong to on FB.