The Never Normal

There is something almost routine, now, about kissing my son goodbye after a visit or a doctor appointment.  But sometimes I step back unwittingly from that routine and kissing my son goodbye comes with a horror that feels like the day we said goodbye for that first awful time at the school. 

My mind is pretty good at erasing or dumping some memories and then it refuses to get rid of others;  I will never be able to escape the memory of kissing my son goodbye that day.  I don’t think I’ve ever held my breath for longer than when they led him away, out the door, down the hall.  Gone. 

When Andy and Jonah left today it felt like that.  I had a difficult time listening to what the doctor was saying and absorbing it all.  I gave her the direct number of Jonah’s nurse at school and I wrote down a lot of information before I left, though.  The conversation helped to snap me out of longing to run after Jonah and snatch him up into my arms.

For a while I have needed to go out in an empty field somewhere and scream my head off.  Really scream. 

It sits inside me, that scream.

World Autism Day.  Light it up Blue.  Good.  Make them aware.  Research, figure this out.  Please and thank you.

Today the doctor was a pediatric rheumatologist who is only in Albany two times a week.

Remember when we had to drive all the way to Boston Children’s Hospital?

There was a rumor that she had a practice in Red Hook, close to Boo, but no one could confirm this.   So E took matters into her own hands and found out this doctor lives in Rhinebeck (which also is near where Jonah lives).  E tracked her down and called her home phone to ask her does she have a practice in Red Hook or not?  

(E is badass.  I told you so.  She gets shit done).  But the doc’s got no practice in Red Hook.  

So today Jonah, in honor of World Autism Day, got his official diagnosis of JRA (Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis).   Now I am becoming acquainted with yet another disorder/disease.  There are several kinds of JRA, and Jonah’s is called Pauciarticular Onset JRA – the most common form of JRA.  Of the three JRA subtypes, (reads the brochure) children with pauciarticular have the highest risk for getting chronic eye inflammation called uveitis.   So it is piecing together, albeit slowly.  Next Tuesday we’re going back to Dr. Simmons again to see what now.  I’m researching Methotrexate, the drug they’re thinking of recommending.

As I typed this CNN e-mailed and asked me if I’d like to write some more, so I said yes of course, in honor of World Autism Month.  My favorite pressure, the pressure to write.  I guess because it doesn’t feel like pressure at all, the writing.  But as before I have no given theme or direction — they’re entrusting that to me — so I’ll kind of be winging it.  I am honored just to be asked.

Here are some pics of Jonah from the doctor’s office today – I love taking pics of Boo!

First he was happy.  “What color are the flowers, Boo?  Let’s count them!  1…2…3…4…”

Then he got antsy and needed to walk the hallways.  Black kitty he said, pointing. (I think it was actually an owl.)

Luckily we were at the end of a hallway with a big window.  He visited here quite a few times.  It makes you wish you had one of those passes you get if you take your kid w/autism to Disney.  They go first.  No waiting.  Seems like implementing this at the doctor’s would be a really good idea.

I have to say though, she was very cool, this doc.  We’ve been fortunate to have caring doctors for Boo.  A doctor even took the time to help me find where to go when I’d gotten lost.  Thank you, Dr. D.

“Grab a hold
Take these melodies with your hands
Write a song to sing
Isn’t such a bad, bad world

And I say these times are strange
I can feel it in the night
I’m standing in the dark
Holding up for the light

And here I’ll remain
‘Til the great sun shines
Standing in the dark
Waiting up for the light…”

~ Guster, Bad Bad World