— Thich Nhat Hanh (The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching)
The lesson I take away from all of this is I can’t abandon life by sitting in my soiled self in the sorrowful, shallow end of the pool. I have to keep writing because it saves me. I can come out the other side of this, make myself into someone good, be Jonah’s mother as best I can, be the change I want to see in this world (thanks, Gandhi) instead of complaining about the changes that aren’t happening. I may moan and rave, cry and bitch, but I’m not going down without a fight. I am recharged with people all around me, some who don’t even know me. They care and they tell me so and it helps like they will never know. I am not alone, I tell myself, mantra-like. I am not alone.
Mary helps me too. Yes, that Mary. The mother of God Mary. She sure had a difficult child, an only child (it seems) and she lost him too, in many ways, before she really lost him. She understands.
- St. Josemaria Escriva: “Love our Lady. And she will obtain abundant grace to help you conquer in your daily struggle.” “When you see the storm coming, if you seek safety in that firm refuge which is Mary, there will be no danger of your wavering or going down.”
How can I believe all these things simultaneously?
“Do I contradict myself? Very well, then; I contradict myself. I am large – I contain multitudes.” ~Walt Whitman
(I’m actually quite scrawny, but I think Walt was being metaphorical).
I am going over to see Jonah-boo tonight, to take him on the “Groundhog Day” tour of his favorite things: the train, car ride, maybe grandma or a peanut butter roll. If it is warm enough, swimming and splashing.
I am looking forward to it, whatever it brings. I love him so much.