The Never Normal

i am in significantly better shape now.  curious, i backed through lots of entries and found that these little emotional-breakdown episodes are monthly.  can you say PMS times 50?  i am so out of tune with my body sometimes that i don’t recognize or acknowledge my own cyclic nature.

it’s as if i want to deny that something is underlying, like an underground river, all ever-flowing and unstoppable, the liquid foundation of something, of everything, circling with the planets and the moon, the tides and the clocks and the calendars

spinning

turning

the wheel
my son’s autistic fascination with the spinning

turning

wheels on the bus go round and round

round and round

round and round

all thru this mother fucking town.

anyway.   there it is.   it is a more comforting theory than to suppose i really am losing my cotton picking mind.

and i picked a book off my bookshelves with eyes closed, completely randomly, (something i meditate/pray about for guidance every so often), and then i opened the random book to a random page, and this is what i read:

We cannot take a single step toward heaven. It is not in our power to travel in a vertical direction. If, however, we look heavenward for a long time, God comes and takes us up. He raises us easily.

~ Simone Weil

How ’bout that for an answer to my desperate, pain-filled prayer?

and there are atheists out there?

agnostics i understand and respect. anyone whose motto is “i don’t know” is okay in my book.

but atheists?  why deny something like divinity?  for lack of proof?  that’s like refusing to breathe ’cause you can’t see the air.