The Never Normal

i have fallen apart today. just crying & crying, feeling desperate and hopeless and lonely about jonah, my little boy.

i cried in front of his speech therapy teacher, lauren, because i started to tell her the story of what happened on saturday, jonah’s meltdown, and how andy handles it all so much better than i do….

i wish i had the guts to go

or to stay and plunge every part of me into helping him, into fixing what i can of what is broken…

but it seems i am trapped in the weepy world of neither of these solutions…

i am weak, and selfish, and so tired all the time.

i have never before so looked forward to winter, when hibernation is not seen as strange, when we can play in the basement with his toys and no one will stare or comment or look at me accusingly, like i broke the kid somehow or don’t know how to control him, as if i don’t know the meaning of the word discipline, they are thinking: brat
they are thinking: uncontrollable

snot-nosed
drooling
mess of a 2 year old
get away from me
why can’t you just raise your child right?

there is no right way to do this thing.

there is only the doing it, and getting through this day and then the next.

A lot of people like to say that God only gives special people these kinds of kids….but isn’t that like saying it’s good luck for a bird to shit on you? Sorry you got the shit end of the stick. But you’re lucky! You’re special!

I can’t help but feel like it’s all random. Not that I mean to deny divinity…I just can’t see God operating on any kind of human terms like that.

The other thing people like to say about God is that he doesn’t give anyone more than they can handle.

Well, if God is out there “giving” people “challenges,” he certainly is giving people more than they can handle! Ever heard of suicide? I mean geez. I’d say killing yourself is reaching the point where you can’t handle any more, wouldn’t you?

I don’t like to think of divinity as owning that kind of thought process. It’s too human, too tarnished. Something.

Oh, rant and vent…..you know, it’s all the same, so cyclic, it comforts me to know the wheel is turning always and I am not doomed to stay between the rubber and the pavement for long!