The Never Normal

you are not supposed to divulge dirtiness, it isn’t socially
acceptable
to be so down, mentally ill, as if it means something necessarily dangerous to society at large.

i have said before that i am not darwin’s poster child, and these days it seems neither inside or out.

i am having/ experiencing/ suffering from an episode, i guess, i don’t know what to call it.

feeling sorry for myself? not wanting to hear anyone say those words to me….not wanting to face facts

like how

i can be so violent sometimes, yesterday i was slamming cabinets, shut the dishwasher door so hard i nearly shattered the glasses within

i can understand the cutters, those usually-young individuals who use knives and razors to cut their flesh, expose some truth, feel some pain, that feels real and unaffected by opinion. pain is pain, blood is blood.

i held a razor to my wrist this morning
behind the shower door, all hunched over
hair and bones and belly
dripping hot steaming t’would be easy
to wash myself down the drain

and then again not so easy
after all

i have words for everyone but myself
and if i care for myself, i am necessarily
selfish

right? after all i am an only child
notoriously self-centered

it’s funny how we are all every one of us teachers, and students, and idiots, and geniuses, and beautiful and terrible, all of us so beautiful, so terrible

terrible to have no words when it comes to this autism that lives inside my son, it is as if he is hallucinating perpetually, turning his head this way and that, returning to the same spot on the floor to cock his head at the exact angle, no wait, try again, there it is, that shining spinning

looks like OCD
something is wrong with that fucking kid

and isn’t he adorable? such a shame

she isn’t much of a mother anyway,
decided to get pregnant on a whim, really,
used to tell god it’d be okay if god gave her a retarded child or whatever, she felt a lifelong affinity for the disabled and

mistakenly

assumed that vague feeling meant she’d be capable
of mothering some poor autistic child
who never asked for this mother, this fucked up frightened mother