The Never Normal

I haven’t felt like blogging, which is unlike me, but lately it feels like I’m whining.  I feel envy and anger and grief, then I feel guilty for feeling envy and anger and grief.

In the midst of earthquakes and shootings, all I bitch about lately are first world problems:

I forgot to buy coffee creamer.

Jonah has a “management” at school (which is a euphemism for an aggression requiring a “takedown.”)

I have to write two articles for the Capital District Parent Pages this month instead of one, so I’ll have them done before I go to Mansfield, Missouri to see Laura Ingalls Wilder’s home & Pa’s fiddle on my birthday.

I haven’t been practicing/learning my Spanish enough.

That kind of crap.

So I went to my first organized party since I was in Four Winds.  It was my cousin’s son’s son’s 1st birthday.  (Boy, that sure dates me!)  I was afraid to go.  I’m always afraid to go to parties, especially when there are children and those children are regular ol’ kids running, playing, and making everyone smile.  I’m afraid my envy will burst through the fragile veneer of my smile – afraid I’ll cry and make everyone feel weird or uncomfortable.

Then someone says “you should have brought Jonah over,” and I’m afraid my anger will burst through the fragile veneer of my calm – afraid I’ll get snotty and say, “do you think I’d have placed my child in a residential facility if I thought I could bring him to a party?”  He’d attack the little ones and wreak havoc on the party-goers in general.  Of course it’s not as if the person who said that to me was being anything but kind and accepting, but still the anger rises.

None of this is fair.

But I kept the envy down and the anger away and simply enjoyed the people I haven’t seen for so long, all my relatives I love.  I did cry at one point, but it was only because my uncle M was talking to me and made me feel so embraced that my tears were ones of heartfelt emotion, pulled out of me by his loving-kindness.

Small steps.

On Saturday Andy drove Jonah up to my mother’s house.  It looked so threatening in the sky – about to rain, about to rain.  I begged God:  please hold off the rain until he gets a chance to swim (in my mother’s neighbor’s pool).  And then the rain did hold off so he could swim, and Jonah asked for train and we did see a train, and we ate sandwiches and chips and drank black soda.

On another note, I’ll buy a few Powerball tickets because it’s up to $305M.  Because that’s what people do…a dollar and a dream.  I never realized it before but there are all these websites where you can increase your chances of winning through statistical analysis.  I’m sure now I’ll definitely win Wednesday night, and turn my son’s school into a freaking paradise for kids with autism.

A few pictures from Saturday:

pimpin’ his Guster shirt

Jonah, in his element

My boo is still up and down, still attacking with no motivation.  Today when he aggressed, they were taking him to the pool, for God’s sake.

Nice goin’, Jonah.

I’m off to send pictures from the party to my aunt, and then squeeze in some Rosetta Stone.  Then sleep — beautiful, wonderful, awesome, comfortable sleep.