When the principal himself at the residential school for autism
where you bathe live learn eat play please God are loved
calls my cell, I happen to be away from it. He speaks in an even tone.
I am upstairs pouring coffee comfort ritual routine into a blue mug.
A pretty co-worker comes into the kitchen, skirts me silently,
retrieves something from the fridge, and walks away. Invisibility.
My mother has just dropped me off in beginning-of-the-rain grey
after together we’d ushered my suffering sweet Sugar into Sleep.
I return to my cubicle, place the coffee down I am holding my breath
and on the cell phone a red light blinking blinking his area code
I dial into the voice mail it takes me two times, I hear Jonah is okay,
I hear significant incident hear how they tried to redirect him, keep him walking.
He was violently aggressive he needed a two-person takedown;
he likely hurt someone. More than one someone. Surfacing to bite.
Born of me who hated hitting, shrank from violence, submitted every time,
weak and yet I grew a wild white whale inside my womb, Ahab be warned.
Amy, I am so sorry. I wish I could just whisk away your troubles. I love you!
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Oh, angel. I want so bad to cuddle you up, pet your head, and tell you it will be okay. I can do none of these things but it doesn’t stop me from wishing it so.
Your sweet baby deals with things that no one understands. Things that I’m sure he himself doesn’t understand. There’s an aching in the inability to help him and I know it rocks you to your core but please never place blame on yourself. So many things in this life are out of our control.
Every birth, every death, is a Russian Roulette with fate. Don’t make yourself the bullet or the gun. You are merely a bystander. Say your prayers, continue to love him with all your heart, and try to accept that he is only a little person dealing with issues larger than his capacity to cope with.
I’m sending you soooo much love right now and wishing you all the strength in the world to deal with what you may have trouble coping with, too. (((HUGS))) You aren’t invisible to me. 🙂
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