Yesterday Jonah required a “two-person takedown” at school.
Whenever there is a “two-person takedown,” they are required to call a parent to explain what happened. When my cell phone rings at work and I see their area code, my heart always jumps and then sinks, diving down into a numb place before I answer. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to know it. I want to be ostrich-mom and I can’t, and I want to believe he doesn’t hurt anyone anymore, but he does. Not nearly as often as before, they tell me, but I hate it just the same. For me it is the worst aspect of his autism, by far.
He was in music class, which I would imagine he’d love. I don’t know what upset him but he became frenziedly violent. He was removed from the music class and they attempted to bring him back to his regular classroom, but to no avail. Hence “the two-person takedown.”
He breaks glasses and hits, scratches and tries to bite. He fights dirty, no holds barred. Then they calm him and he gets his proverbial shit together, but it is impossible to say for how long.
The time bomb ticks.
People ask me how Jonah is doing. A lot of people. I appreciate it and their concern means so much to me, but more often than not I ask them to please read my blog. I know that might sound insulting, or even mean, and I try to explain: I can’t live this every hour of my life.
If I tell the same story over and over again, I become depressed and anxious. If I worry and perseverate on the craziness of it all, I can’t function. So I set aside blocks of time to tell the tale through writing, which is easier, and better, and usually much more articulate anyway. I apologize to the people who want to know about Jonah when I just don’t have it in me to talk about it, but I get the feeling they are hurt and insulted anyway.
I hate that I can’t hold my boo in my arms and rock him back and forth, singing to him and calming him. But he is 9, not 2, and the whole point of the school is to increase independence and learning, so kids are not treated like babies just because their cognitive ability may be low. I have to admit I would have continued to baby him had he not gone off to school. I love him more than most people in my life know or understand. But hearing about his anxiety, his meltdowns, his aggressions – it’s too much sometimes. I don’t know what he understands and I don’t know what to do most times.
I trust his teachers and caregivers to nurture and love him, but is that too much of an expectation?
The effect it has had on my mother, and on my relationship with my mother, is significant, to say the least. Jonah is the only child of an only child, and to my mother he is the sun, moon, and sky. He is her everything. It makes me feel like I must compete with her to prove he is my world as well, but it’s so different for me. For me, there is also deliverance from a life I couldn’t live anymore.
I believe with my heart this is the best thing for my son. His best opportunity at independence – at freedom from whatever it is inside him causing him distress. At competency in life skills…at learning. At life. I assert this a lot in my blog posts, I know. I have to. I need it to be true.
But what if I’m wrong?
This blog reader and friend believes that your decision and Andy’s to place Jonah in a top-notch residential facility IS the best thing for your son and is his ONLY opportunity for independence, life-skills competency and learning. Whenever that nagging little “what if I’m wrong” thought pops into your head, think back to Jonah’s last months at home. Were you and Andy guiding Jonah to independence, life-skills competency and learning? Were his dedicated teachers at Wildwood able to give him that guidance? Or were you and Andy and these day-school teachers all in way over your heads when it came to Jonah’s very special needs?
It’s hard for most mothers of only or first-born children to let go, to stop babying their children and let them be kindergarteners and seven, eight and nine-year-olds. Add autism to the mix, and I think it’s down-right impossible for a mother to see her child as a boy of nine who is competent to use the toilet alone, dress himself, etc., etc. If you hadn’t placed Jonah at Anderson, could you have coped with dressing and diapering him at age fifteen? At twenty? The ability to foster competency and independence for autistic children is the gift that the trained staff at Anderson are giving to Jonah. It is a priceless gift. And YOU ARE NOT WRONG!
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Channah,
I love to read your responses to Amy’s blog. You are so level-headed and soothing, and always make absolute sense. You say the things, from first hand knowledge, that I can only imagine. Thanks for being Amy’s support
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Whether it be because of Jonathon’s Law or not, I applaud Anderson School for letting you know the hard as well as the good. As a parent, it would be devastating to think you are not getting the whole story. You knew Jonah hurt you physically long before he went to the school. To never be told of an aggression would immediately have my radar up.
Having taught scip training for years, you know that the “takedown” is meant as much for Jonah’s safety as theirs. Oh, Amy, you know all this. I am droning. But I want you to know I look forward to “hearing from you” and making sure you are still in one piece. I love you, and will always hope for your happiness.
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“But what if I’m wrong?” That doubt, haunts me. I think all parents experience it, but it is certainly intense with a special needs child.
I like to think of parenting my sweet ASD boy as a chess game. My idea of winning is keeping him safe, peaceful and with as many chances at “development” as possible. I don’t understand his game at all, but I love to watch him play. My strategy is always changing; moves, counter-moves, trying to stay one step ahead of him. Just when I think I have it all figured out, he changes the game.
For what it’s worth, I think the Anderson School was a great move in a very long and complicated game. Most likely, there will come a time when you need to adjust your strategy, but clearly your goal is to keep him safe and help him find peace and Independence and that will never be wrong.
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Many hugs
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