There’s no earthly way of knowing… which direction we are going…” ~ Willie Wonka
Not only don’t I know which direction we are going, but I don’t even know now where I am. I sleep as early and as much as possible – greedily falling into the cushion-y darkness where everything turns OFF for long, glorious hours. I wake confused, then teary, and I gulp down the pills that help me through the day. I’m just not hungry lately either. It’s as if I got to an anxiety/fear point so high I smashed through its glass roof (Willie Wonka style, speaking of the great confectioner) and now I’m flying around grasping at different ideas, completely ungrounded, definitely dazed, and evidently, flaking out as well.
All these thoughts. I decided I ‘m going to learn Spanish. I want to visit Mansfield, MO, home of my beloved heroine, Laura Ingalls Wilder. I’m going to read books even as an English major I’d never dared attempt: Les Miserable and War and Peace. I’ll learn to play guitar. Write a novel, maybe even out of this blog. Visit my relatives, send them all care packages. Volunteer to read to kids at the library. Walk dogs at the humane society. Do yoga. Learn to paint. Anything, everything. Something so I’m not nobody doing nothing.
Sometimes I have these grandiose plans to change the world, at least my world and the people in and around it, making positive deposits in the great big bank of karma.
But still I play out scenarios of the day we drop off our son, over and over, with different circumstances and outcomes each time…except he is always gone at the end. In the scenarios we always have to go, we always drive away. He is always, always gone, and he will be gone, and he will be gone soon. No wonder I am meditating on impermanence. I can’t really comprehend any of it.
Andy and I met with a mediator and we have workbooks to fill in, just like we did at the church when we were planning to marry. Everything is cyclic. We will wait until Jonah is at his new school and then we will re-convene, workbooks completed, bringing yet another thing to its conclusion.
My friend H (bless her) invited M and me and Jonah to her pool again tomorrow, thank you thank you thank you little H. To her it may not be much but to us it is everything. Yesterday M and I had to drive Jonah around the entire time we had him; there was simply nowhere we could go. It poured rain and Jonah didn’t want music. I got him singing at one point but then he started his repetitive requesting-phase:
Wannatakeabath? Wannatakeabath? Wannatakeabath? Bye Bye M. Wannatakeabath? Daddy? Wannatakeabath? Bye Bye M. Daddy? Daddy? Grandma? Swim-pool? Swim-pool? Wannatakeabath? Wannatakeabath? Wannatakeabath? Wannatakeabath? (Insert BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM instantly followed by giggling laughter). WannaseeJack? WannaseeJack?
And I curse myself for gritting my teeth and wanting to shout SHUT UP because soon enough I’ll wish I could hear his little voice, no matter what it was saying or shouting or screaming.
Oh, what a weird place in time & space this is.
“For the rowers keep on rowing,
And they’re certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing…”
~Willie Wonka
Amy,
My daughter is leaving for university in September. I know it is not the same – I know… but it is hard for me still in some respects because we live on the West Coast and the University she will be attending is on the East Coast. Once she is there… she is in essence gone. I do not have the funds to visit or to bring her home on a regular basis… maybe not at all…
I could see this as an ending- and in a way it is. I am sad – and counting the days – and full of worry about what could go wrong and the complications of her being so far away. I am trying to see this as a beginning, and in saying this I am not trying to diminish or downplay what I can only imagine of your experience. This is the next step for my girl – and this next step is going to give her new opportunities that will expand her experiences. They are separate from me… I am no longer at the helm. I feel the changes in our relationship – and a part of me is proud – and a part of me is railing against the changes- saying, “Not yet! Not yet!”
I am not trying to lighten your mood… or change your thinking. I would be willing to try of course, but I cannot help with your feelings of loss- they are so real and so deep. I am just sharing this because your lovely little boy might be starting down a new path… not ending his journey. There might be a shifting in your role as Mom – but you are still Mom…
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Keep praying, moving, meditating, writing-whatever works to keep you on the positive path.
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When I dropped Brian off to college, I cried the whole way home. I just kept thinking to myself, “Who am I? I am not a mother, I am not a wife, I have no title”. I could not imagine my life without my children…my identity.
You will grieve the loss of your son, for he will be gone, but only from your home…not from your life. And any of the identities that you choose from your post sound perfectly acceptable to me…but then no one has ever accused me of being completely sane. Love you!
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*hugs*
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Just keep swimming, right? I hope so much you are able to gain comfort once Jonah is at his school, knowing he is being taken care of and getting the very best. I hope you are able to see before too long what a good decision you made for him, as much as your own heart breaks. And I hope you are able to do all these positive things in your own life, and find you own peace and happiness…it is much deserved.
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I went to Mansfield for my ‘pilgrimage’ to Laura & Almanzo’s Rocky Ridge for my tenth birthday. My Mother took me (just me!), and it was amazing. I got ten silver dollars the morning we went – my birthday gift from my Mom which I insisted on carrying in my hand all day. I dropped one that of course rolled under a display beyond a red roped-off area, it was retrieved by a docent and then tucked securely in my pocket. Ooops. The weird shit you remember, yes? It was one of the best days of my life. I grew up rather poor with many siblings, and this was Mom and Me alone. Staying in Motels. Eating in Restaurants. Traveling. (Okay, from St. Louis, but it still counted!!!) And the museum! Pa’s fiddle, Mary’s braille slate, the bread plate that survived the fire, Laura’s black wedding dress, her engagement ring, Ma’s Delaine, the Poetry Book she got for Christmas the year of the Long Winter, treasures treasures everywhere! I need to make the trip as an adult, I am sort of a Professional Museum-goer and feel neglectful since I’ve not been back in 33 years. You should definitely make the trip! It’s around 4 hours out of St. Louis, should you ever need a tour guide I would be honored. I am so jealous that you’ve been to Almanzo’s boyhood home! ‘Farmer Boy’ remains one of my favorite reads. I’ve never tried the ‘popcorn & milk’ experiment, have you? Lol. Have a beautiful day.
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