— Thich Nhat Hanh (The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching)
The lesson I take away from all of this is I can’t abandon life by sitting in my soiled self in the sorrowful, shallow end of the pool. I have to keep writing because it saves me. I can come out the other side of this, make myself into someone good, be Jonah’s mother as best I can, be the change I want to see in this world (thanks, Gandhi) instead of complaining about the changes that aren’t happening. I may moan and rave, cry and bitch, but I’m not going down without a fight. I am recharged with people all around me, some who don’t even know me. They care and they tell me so and it helps like they will never know. I am not alone, I tell myself, mantra-like. I am not alone.
Mary helps me too. Yes, that Mary. The mother of God Mary. She sure had a difficult child, an only child (it seems) and she lost him too, in many ways, before she really lost him. She understands.
- St. Josemaria Escriva: “Love our Lady. And she will obtain abundant grace to help you conquer in your daily struggle.” “When you see the storm coming, if you seek safety in that firm refuge which is Mary, there will be no danger of your wavering or going down.”
How can I believe all these things simultaneously?
“Do I contradict myself? Very well, then; I contradict myself. I am large – I contain multitudes.” ~Walt Whitman
(I’m actually quite scrawny, but I think Walt was being metaphorical).
I am going over to see Jonah-boo tonight, to take him on the “Groundhog Day” tour of his favorite things: the train, car ride, maybe grandma or a peanut butter roll. If it is warm enough, swimming and splashing.
I am looking forward to it, whatever it brings. I love him so much.
I needed to hear this today myself, my friend. Thank you. Love you
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Continued positive thoughts and vibes your way Amy
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You and I are both beginning a new phase of our journey today, my friend. In my case, two professional, careful, kind–all around wonderful–young men moved the bulk of my belongings from Woodstock to my new home in Atlantic Highlands yesterday. Today the cable company’s technician hooked me up with TV, phone and the internet–wireless, no less! I am grateful to be successfully launching this leg of life’s journey, and I am grateful to learn that you are determined to do the same.
Your analogy to THAT Mary’s loss of her son before she lost him on the cross is so appropriate! Years ago a divorced friend, whose son had always lived with her, faced his moving to a neighboring state at age fourteen to live with his father during high school. She mourned for months, then began emerging from her grief with the statement, “He’s simply separating from me at age fourteen instead of eighteen.” While Jonah’s separation from you at age nine is nine long years short of eighteen, he is simply separating from you as he might have to head off to college. He is, in fact, heading off to a school that is as important to him as college was to you. And no matter where he lives, you will always be his mom, and he will always be your Boo.
Congratulations on getting tired of carrying on in your grief. Everyone grieves on a unique timetable, and your grieving seems to be at the beginning of its end. How wonderful that you’re embracing Thich Nhat Hanh’s advice to allow yourself to be happy even though you still have suffering! Let little snippets of happiness begin in between preparations for Jonah’s move to Anderson.
Lots of love comes to you and Jonah and Andy from Atlantic Highlands.
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