Springbrook called the day after we toured The Anderson Center for Autism and told me they were going to accept Jonah, in one of their brand new residences, most likely in November. We took the placement; you can’t just stay on all the lists until the first placement comes up, so I had to call Tradewinds and The Anderson School and tell them to take Jonah off their lists.
Now it’s real, and I am a wreck. I have researched and taken notes and gone into a state of mind where it is all objective – it was simply a project – albeit a difficult project – on which to work very hard.
Now the project is over and I am back in the subjective and it is real.
It is real and I have a countdown; it feels like the doomsday clock is ticking and I feel very very dangerously, frighteningly, frustratingly, ridiculously close to the day I admitted myself into Four Winds.
Somehow I have been shocked back into reality, where all this is really happening. I really did fuck up my marriage and I really will give my son away soon and I really do feel like I do not belong in this world.
I have taken extra meds and I’ve got to be able to keep my shit together and get a lot done today. I am thankful it is Friday so I can crawl home and cry when this day is over. Jonah had 8 hard-core aggressions at school yesterday; it is not a matter of whether we are doing the right thing but rather how to actually do it. My father has not seen Jonah since the day before Thanksgiving and it is because he is afraid of his grandson.
And now, suddenly, I have this near-constant tinny ringing in my ears and vertigo. When I reach for something I miss it by an inch. When I try to pour something I spill it. I am spelling all my words wrong and have to go back and edit this over and over.
I have a strange sense of not even being in my body.
“We’ve colored in the lines and followed all the signs;
Fought a war till the war was over…
Said you’d never be the kind with an ordinary life –
Now this how it feels to have a broken heart
Look at the mess we made
Now we stopped and we say what we always say
And then you make the great escape
With every year you’ll come to regret it…“
~Guster
My love is with you on this most difficult of days. Like all other very, very, very bad days, this one, too, shall pass. And my love will be with you once it does.
I am so pleased that Jonah has been accepted by the school which was your first choice for him and Andy’s as well. On the day Jonah enters Springbrook, you will NOT be giving your son away. You will be enrolling him in the school which will help him express himself without harm to others or himself. You are a good mother. You are a loving mother. You are doing exactly what is best for your little boy.
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Amy, my heart is aching right now and I wish I could hug you and tell you that everything is going to be okay. You and Andy are doing the right thing, as hard as that may be. It is so wonderful that they accepted him. He needs this and so do you and Andy. You are not a bad mother. You did not mess up your marriage. These are circumstances beyond your control. You have dealt with them bravely and without retreat. You are doing what is best for Jonah and sometimes that is the hardest thing for a parent but it is the necessary thing.
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I am silently walking beside you through this frightening trip. I know it sounds trite, but everything happens for a reason…Jonah, Andy, you…our meeting…everything. I love you and weep with you…and stand next to you always cheering you on.
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Some people home school their children, most perhaps, send them to day school but others send their offspring to boarding school for the best of reasons. You are not giving your son away any more than they are.
We all choose the best for our children and you have chosen the best for Jonah. Take comfort from the good that will come from this. I wish you many joyful years watching Jonah blossom. Take care.
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I am thinking about you.
I am thinking that as parents of these wonderful and challenging boys, it usually benefits us to be so very strong and in control of ourselves. We also work hard to control the environment for our guys: to help regulate the way the world comes at them so unevenly, and we are there to help mitigate their response.
We work out difficulties we encounter with that way of researching, learning more, advocating, making another call, another connection, another decision, another plan to make things better… Most of the time our amazing strength, our focus, intelligence, drive, work ethic, and extreme self-control help us make it through the day.
It is hard to shut off that way of reining in and controlling the world because for us it is a survival technique. Unfortunately this doesn’t help a lick when dealing with grief…
Let your tears come…
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PS.
Wondering if this might make you feel more like your dryer setting…
Reflections old and new…
http://30daysofautism.wordpress.com/2011/05/13/let-the-tears-come-dealing-with-grief-and-letting-go/
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