Springbrook called the day after we toured The Anderson Center for Autism and told me they were going to accept Jonah, in one of their brand new residences, most likely in November. We took the placement; you can’t just stay on all the lists until the first placement comes up, so I had to call Tradewinds and The Anderson School and tell them to take Jonah off their lists.
Now it’s real, and I am a wreck. I have researched and taken notes and gone into a state of mind where it is all objective – it was simply a project – albeit a difficult project - on which to work very hard.
Now the project is over and I am back in the subjective and it is real.
It is real and I have a countdown; it feels like the doomsday clock is ticking and I feel very very dangerously, frighteningly, frustratingly, ridiculously close to the day I admitted myself into Four Winds.
Somehow I have been shocked back into reality, where all this is really happening. I really did fuck up my marriage and I really will give my son away soon and I really do feel like I do not belong in this world.
I have taken extra meds and I’ve got to be able to keep my shit together and get a lot done today. I am thankful it is Friday so I can crawl home and cry when this day is over. Jonah had 8 hard-core aggressions at school yesterday; it is not a matter of whether we are doing the right thing but rather how to actually do it. My father has not seen Jonah since the day before Thanksgiving and it is because he is afraid of his grandson.
And now, suddenly, I have this near-constant tinny ringing in my ears and vertigo. When I reach for something I miss it by an inch. When I try to pour something I spill it. I am spelling all my words wrong and have to go back and edit this over and over.
I have a strange sense of not even being in my body.
“We’ve colored in the lines and followed all the signs;
Fought a war till the war was over…
Said you’d never be the kind with an ordinary life –
Now this how it feels to have a broken heart
Look at the mess we made
Now we stopped and we say what we always say
And then you make the great escape
With every year you’ll come to regret it…“