Sometimes blogging feels like tightrope-walking. What to say, how to say it, what details to include. There’s so much history here now. Do I just tell a story, or maybe fill an entry with pictures? What’s appropriate to put out there? I usually just say what I’ve got to say, but sometimes it’s tricky.
If I’ve got an 8-second video of an 11-year-old Jonah with his wide, adorable smile, looking right at me and speaking clear-as-day: fuck! followed by my immediate response of laughter, is it cool for me to post that without seeming like I’m proud of it? Hell, I laughed. Sometimes you just gotta laugh.
The thing is I know (some of) who reads this blog, and I know if I say such-and-such it’ll get back to so-and-so, and then I have to decide how to tell my story or, sometimes, whether or not to tell it at all.
Andy and I have some unspoken tales of sadness and ennui that will likely never be told. Macht nichts, I suppose. Discretion, diplomacy. I never was good with filters, so I err on the “sin of omission” side when necessary. If I decide to tell a story I’m gonna tell the whole damn mess of it; I ain’t gonna sugarcoat it, so I better decide what I say with care.
On Saturday, somehow, Jonah managed to open (and set next to him) no fewer than three cans of white soda. All this with three adults present. Never underestimate Jonah’s quiet little conniving magic mind & abilities.
It was Andy’s birthday, and my mom brought cupcakes. Boo wasted no time in descending upon them.
Skittles and Chuckles too. Somewhere in there is some actual food – a tune-fish sandwich – which he ate with near-equal fervor.
I was happy to get a few cool pictures with Jonah, which has become kind of rare:
When he is calm and affectionate, our son is a beacon of the purest lovejoy.
In one short video, though, you can actually see Jonah’s agitation ramping up…he shows it using his hands and then finally with a swatting motion. You’ll hear his dad reassure him: It’s all right, buddy.
The triumph is that he did not swat at anything but the air, just that one time. We were all talking, and he was being told no, and he had so many foods from which to choose. The videos sometimes make it easier to discern what’s happening and why. Hell, the videos could very well be part of the problem, even. That’s why I take them without him seeing me, if I can help it. Sometimes I take the time to watch them carefully, try to learn from them.
This one’s just fun – lighting the candles on the cupcakes and Jonah gets to blow them out after we all sing to Andy (shaky harmony compliments of mama).
It was a good visit. I hope Andy had a wonderful birthday; he deserves it. Jonah’s had this whole week off from school and I think Andy’s picked him up for a visit every other day. I always knew he’d be a wonderful father, before his child was even a notion. He and Jonah share such a special bond.
Also, endeavoring to remain self-aware and true to myself, I have broken off my new relationship with Jim. The reasons are many but none of them call into question his goodness, strength of character, or warm heart. Some part of me wishes he could have met Jonah, for I think Jonah would have loved him – and I know Jim loves children.
I also am examining what I say in general – and how, and to whom. These things can have a lifelong impact for good or ill. I’d like to encounter everyone I see with a smile, to behave in a positive manner, to think before I speak – and when I do speak of others, to always find the good to say. It’s so easy to say you believe in something and then never bring it into reality. What you think doesn’t mean anything at all unless your actions match your intentions.
“If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek, five things observe with care…to whom you speak, of whom you speak, and how, and why, and where.” ~ Caroline Ingalls